Monthly Archives: October 2012

Don’t Be Externally Judgmental

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A usual hiccup for a man considering a relationship is a tendency to see everything as a major red flag and to advise his brothers in arms to ‘next’ her on account of a questionable past. While this does have merit, it’s often detrimental to acquisition of both knowledge and valuable life experience. Furthermore, appearing to be outwardly judgmental will cause the object of your affection to clam up, keeping her less-than-ideal past to herself, only to have it come out at the most inopportune moment down the road. Do you really want that?

Imagine the following scenario: you meet a girl, sparks fly, you go at it like rabbits, and begin hanging out with some regularity. As feelings develop bidirectionally and a few months elapse, you inevitably have conversations about past relationships and she’s comfortable enough to confide in you that she was raped as a minor, her father abused her, she did drugs, had an ex who beat her, had X sexual partners (where X > your number of partners), and was generally betrayed in a number of ways.

Did that make your stomach turn? If so, you haven’t experienced enough. You may be saying ‘what an idiot, stop going for all these damaged girls and find yourself a good woman’, but what men fail to see is that while certain combinations of the above don’t always go hand in hand, the overall tale is quite common. A shockingly high percentage of women have gone through this but simply haven’t told you. These same ‘broken’ women have done a fantastic job keeping it to themselves and have married, had kids with, sometimes left men who were none the wiser. The point is this: you don’t know. Your virtuous wife could have been doing lines of coke while simultaneously polishing a couple knobs. You just met her at a point where nature necessitated a change in behavior and a tight packing up of the skeletons.

An even worse fate than merely writing a girl off for some minor indiscretion (she had 10 partners while you only had 5) is getting seriously involved without finding out as much of the truth about her past as possible. But it has to be done from the onset, not later. This is accomplished by not being externally judgmental, by verbally projecting this, and by subduing any naturally gut wrenching response you’ll probably feel. You do want to know the truth, don’t you?

I prefer to meet the gorilla as soon as possible, on the first date if she’s up to it. A good way to do this is to lead the conversation to past experiences. It can come naturally. If it’s a first date, you can ask ‘so, you do this a lot?’ The answer is irrelevant, but it takes you in the right direction. Somewhere in the midst of what follows, drop the golden line:

You can tell me anything, I’m one of the most non-judgmental people you’ll ever meet.

And leave it at that. If compelled, you can follow it up with ‘we all have issues and I like to learn about people and want to know more about you’ or similar. If you do this with sincerity, she’ll open up shortly thereafter. People love to talk about themselves, particularly about topics on the taboo side because there’s rarely an ear that will listen and ‘accept’ them without repercussions. They yearn for it. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the vivid details and the enthusiasm with which they recall the dirty past.

Just like too much ice cream will make all ice cream seem common, a plethora of experiences with women will desensitize you to some of their tendencies. I remember when I used to have the partner talk with girlfriends. In the earlier years, she almost always had more than me and it made me sick. Not due to some moral conviction, but – as it came to light later – simply because I had less and as a result labeled her a slut. It’s an interesting dynamic because if you had 5 and she had 10, she must be loose. But if you had 10 and she had 5, she’s legit. Or if she had 10 and you had 20, and so on.

The same goes for other experiences. Let’s briefly look at rape. Quite often it’s not really rape, at least not the attacked-in-a-dark-alley kind. The story goes like this, with some deviation in details: I was at a party or went out with some friends, we all got really drunk, I needed a ride so some guy took me home, we fucked, and I regretted it the next morning. Raaaaaape! Other times it’s closer to the sober variety, but regardless if it’s your first time hearing it, you’ll have a very specific internal response: it’s going to bother you.

But like other realizations about women (flakiness, the Hamster, obsessions with the mundane – ahem – shoes), the more of it you see, the more commonplace it becomes and the less discomfort it causes. Typical doesn’t mean good. It means typical. The benefit of getting women to open up to you, besides wisdom, should be obvious: it allows you to see the forest for the trees and gives you the initiative to do as you please.

Take mental notes, but keep it to yourself.

Internally, we’re always judging. It’s human nature. And while some parts of the past don’t have lasting consequences or can be, for all intents and purposes, erased through sheer willpower (like a man’s lack of confidence due to a self-reinforcing negative feedback loop in childhood), others will have lingering effects. It’s a sad truth that mere days of particular experiences can have a negative lifelong impact, and it’s up to you to discover what they are, which have been dealt with, and which are still smoldering.

Furthermore, if you prematurely next girls on some past pretense, you’ll miss out on quite a few opportunities not only for great sex and surprisingly enjoyable companionship, but you won’t learn much in the process. You still have to screen ruthlessly and hold true to your own set of principles, especially for long term commitment, but immediately labeling girls as sluts, damaged goods, too much baggage, and any other shaming language handicaps you before you start.

48 Laws Of Game – #1: Never Outshine The Master

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Aside from your canonical literature of choice (if you have any), Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power is a must read for anyone looking to succeed in the game of life. Over the last few years I have read, re-read, applied, and internalized many of the principles therein and it has been a beacon of light in an otherwise insidious reality.

Today marks the beginning of a series where we’ll be looking at the 48 laws and how they pertain to the crimson arts.

Law #1: Never Outshine The Master

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please and impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

As it relates to game, this isn’t about placating women who are ‘out of your league’. In fact, the more attractive the woman (8+), the higher the negging (or indifference, if that’s your style) required. This law relates more to you being out of her league, a typically unheard-of concept. The healthiest relationships, particularly those withstanding the test of time without both parties despising each other, are characterized by the man being of higher value, though not by much. A 1-2 point difference is ideal.

Let’s assume you’re an 8 on the success object scale and she’s the same on the sex object scale. No problem; you can spit game, she’ll still feel like a prize, chances are you’ll give chase a little because you both have upgrade options, and as long as she perceives you to be on similar ground, all is right in the world. Now, let’s say you’re a 9 and you run into a 7 who pushes all the right buttons. Not a major head turner, but she’s definitely cute and there’s ‘something about her’ that seriously turns you on (e.g. she tends to your ego).

Unfortunately for you, she’ll quickly realize this discrepancy and respond one of two ways: either distance herself from you out of fear of not being good enough (yes it’s weird, but girls do this) or become annoyingly insecure. Girls can’t stand to feel out of your league, so they’ll either find some excuse not to go for you or self destruct over time. Most guys will do the same, but a few will take the road less traveled and improve themselves in ways that become attractive to top shelf ass.

What do you do when facing this dilemma? You downplay a little. This is often referred to as Vulnerability Game. If you’re too alpha for her and there’s a large enough gap, she’ll leave. So if you want her to stick around, it helps to sprinkle a little romcom her way.

For example, one thing girls wondering into insecurity territory will do is continually fish for compliments. She’ll start asking you if you think she’s (still) pretty, how you feel about her, what you’re thinking (it better be about her), and so on. You don’t have to respond immediately, but if you’re used to greeting women with ‘hey’, the next time she shows up a ‘you look nice tonight’ line will be just enough to shut her up validate her and restore balance. Intermittently complimenting non-visual characteristics (if she does something thoughtful for instance) will also go a long way.

However, use very sparingly and only when you sense she’s not getting her fill. This is of course moving into the realm of relationships, as initial seduction happens so quickly that there’s no time for beta bait. You want her, she wants you, the rest is simple. Also, when you’re dealing with girls above you on the 10 point scale it’s totally unnecessary unless she has deeper self-esteem issues. But those will surface on their own anyway.

This may seem like a beta move to some, but remember that strategically disguising your strengths is not weakness if it leads to power and you keep the initiative. Power, in this case, is keeping the object of your desire enthralled.

 

Don’t Take It Personal

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One of the major hindrances to the male population’s interaction with women is a tendency to take things personally. To be fair, women partake as well so the following applies to both, but because they’re naturally predisposed to better handle emotions (courtesy of the rationalization hamster) and don’t have a need to make logical sense of things, we’re going to focus on men. Most people believe in their own special snowflakeness and so when a situation offends them, they tend to naively assume it’s a personal jab. The resulting emotional cocktail clouds reason and often causes men to take rash actions without thinking of the consequences, ranging from wastes of time to criminal offenses.

Neither is worth it. Life is a game of power whether you choose to believe it or not, and in this ebb and flow dynamic it’s folly to be so egotistical and assume everything is about you. Women do it from cradle to grave (see Facebook news feed), but their mind is wired in a way that doesn’t quite grasp this, so they get a free pass. As you meet more and more women and entertain dates, relationships, or whatever you prefer, you’ll run into a lot of time wasters and self proclaimed princesses. Usually it’s a sign of low interest and while this is inevitable, it’s imperative that you quickly separate the wheat from the chaff.

It starts off innocuous. You may have a scheduled date which she cancels shortly prior but counteroffers. The second time around some carefully detailed situation comes up which, on the surface, you can’t really blame her for. So you press on and before you know it, you’re following her around like a puppy. At some point you have to lay down the law – either live up to your words or go away. The more consistent you become with this methodology, early on and with the slightest offenses, the easier life will become. Although you will miss a few opportunities, in the long term those gained will far outweigh the lost.

When women flake or generally behave in shitty ways, beyond the obvious it’s a chore to fully determine the why. Fortunately, if you approach these situations identically and according to your own set of limits, it’s irrelevant. It may not even be personal. She may have other guys in her life stepping up to bat, maybe she’s still on the rocks with an ex, maybe she’s fresh out of a relationship, maybe you’re not quite valuable enough to her, maybe she’s looking for something different, maybe it’s that time of the month, and on and on.

So what do you do? Stop taking things personally. Of course this is easier said than done. Men, regardless of how cold and calculating some may seem, are still very emotional. It’s just that our natural outlets are different. It takes time, experience, and willpower to train yourself to let go of the pettiness of a woman’s daily peaks and valleys, as well as that of people in general. A figurative (or literal) handwave works best.

A typical rebuttal to this notion is that you’re ‘distant, cold, don’t care about anyone else, are afraid to let down your guard and be vulnerable, etc’. Nonsense. There’s a big difference between having a thick skin and keeping people at arm’s length. The heart is a delicate thing no matter how tough the exterior may appear, and letting people in at once instead of slowly, over time, as they prove themselves will cause you plenty of grief and be an unnecessary waste of life. If you open yourself up to women indiscriminately, you’ll be ground up. Make her earn your affection.

At the same time, realize that not taking things personally isn’t being a pushover. You still have your boundaries, but you train yourself, yes train, to brush off the minutiae that will suck away your power of concentration and leave you no better than you started. It also allows you to keep the initiative. When others are emotional, you keep your cool even if you’re boiling inside. Whenever you experience poor behavior, ask yourself: ‘will I remember this a year from now?’ If the answer is no, it’s trivial and not worth a second thought. Issue a warning (better in action than words) and if not heeded, head for the nearest exit.

This applies not only to women, but life in general. For example, at one of my jobs I have 4 bosses who butt heads with each other. They’re all part of the same book, but reside in separate chapters. Depending on my ‘boss of the day’, I’ll adjust accordingly. The other day I went with boss A’s methods when boss B came and told me if I do it again, I’ll get written up. A few years ago I’d get defensive, justify myself, or apologize. Now I just poker face. What does a write-up mean? Nothing, it’s a trivial power play. Sometimes I’ll get them together to figure out company protocol and grab my popcorn. All that matters is that I create value for what I’m paid and continue to be paid while receiving a chosen degree of respect with some fun along the way. The rest can be handwaved.

As you entertain a myriad of relations with women, you’ll still deal with plenty of incompatibilities and the closer you come to realizing your own value and what you seek in others, the more pronounced these differences become. This is ok, it’s a weeding process for both parties. You can’t please everyone and not everyone can please you, but you can start by pleasing yourself.

Single, Not Lonely

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A very common shaming tactic go-to response aimed at men, particularly those on the upswing, who have elected to remain single is that there must be something inherently wrong with them. They must possess socially undesirable traits preventing them from ‘securing’ a long term partner. Taken one step further, these men are apparently doomed to a life of loneliness, misery, misogyny, lack of purpose, and an inability to love. This, of course, serves the female imperative perfectly and coincides with that of asexual betas who are all too happy to wallow in their own feces.

None of it is surprising. After all, western society is primarily about her. And what is a woman’s prerogative? Long term commitment from the best man she can acquire, current mate notwithstanding. The brainwashed, untaught, indifferent males (the same who allowed, nay, promoted the ‘equality’ of feminism) like nothing better than to mindlessly support the objects of their desire in hopes that they will someday reciprocate. So when you upset this ‘balance’, there’s an expected backlash.

Not only are most people eternally bound by their own incomplete paradigms, but passive aggressive jealousy is manifest in endless ways. Simply put, the higher you rise in whatever pursuits are important to you, the more opposition you’ll face. Take notch counts for instance. If you happen to project enough value (whether in mindset or truth) to fill your phone with nudes, you will immediately experience a gale of criticism from those privy to your indiscretions. You’ll hear things like:

‘Stop picking up sluts in bars.’ Newsflash: women of all moral ranks, including your ‘good girls’ frequent these establishments. The same girl you met at the bookstore, the coffee shop, church – goes to bars, statistically speaking. And if she put out so easily, she must be promiscuous. But how do you know your woman, if you have one, hasn’t done the same? Maybe not with you, because she correctly estimated that you were ‘the kind of guy I’d marry’, but didn’t feel compelled to breed with on first sight. Unless you’ve been following her her entire life, you’ll never know about those crazy nights she had if she’s halfway attractive. Your inability to bring out the slut in her does not preclude its existence.

‘Stop picking up girls online, they all have STDs, baggage, and are damaged goods.’ Because there’s a giant sign that says ‘register here if you’re diseased’ and girls in the real world have no such ailments. While there are women from certain predicaments you want to avoid – those into intravenous drug use, parts of town where the majority doesn’t have proper medical attention and isn’t very concerned with hygiene, and so on – there’s no sure fire way of predicting one or the other in advance. As for the rest, it’s the same regardless of where you meet.

‘Stop manipulating women, that’s so misogynistic’. As if women are dumb and so easily misled. Of course she’s the victim, she had no idea what was going on, she didn’t even like you, you just pushed some hind brain buttons and ‘it just happened’. If this were true, everyone would be doing it and this site wouldn’t exist. When something comes easier to one person and the other is unwilling to accept that their methodologies aimed at a similar outcome are inferior, they are quick to rationalize it as manipulation, cheating, or some other inherent immoral advantage.

‘Stop picking up girls at all, you’ll never love.’ Although deeper emotions take time to develop, it is a misguided stab to assume that love equates to love of a woman. Love life first, yourself second, and a woman (or women, heh) thereafter. A very common rationale, with some scientific backing regarding pair bonding (much more pronounced for women than men), is that continued bedding of women somehow eliminates your ability to open your heart. Au contraire, it hones your ability to pinpoint secondary traits you seek (and seek to avoid) in a woman of your fancy.

If you have limited experience with a handful of plain janes and a real fox suddenly gives you the time of day, you will be quick to forget your morals, ‘requirements’ for a relationship, and generally be willing to put up with mountains of drama for access to her intimacy and attention. All baggage mysteriously vanishes. Ego assuaging is a powerful tool. If you’ve had this happen, you can attest to it. If you haven’t, don’t bother rationalizing that ‘I’m above that’. You’re not, you just don’t know any better.

Numerous experiences with hot women help desensitize you to their main agent of power – their beauty – which in turn allows you to view them in a more critical light (does she have a personality? Is she nice? Does she cook? Is she vulgar in public? Would she be a good mother?). More importantly, it will allow you to interact with them in a more natural state, unfazed by their looks.

And so it goes. A lot of guys are unwilling to look in the mirror critically and acknowledge that they don’t truly love themselves. Women can’t stay single because they require physical ego validation which comes from male attention. Evidence of this can be found at your local bar, club, Facebook, or any social outlet. Men require accomplishment ego validation, which can come from a variety of sources, but most relationships (on the man’s side) are unfortunately treated from a woman’s perspective. The man is seeking validation from her and finds comfort and escape from the game of life in turn. And he dare not look outward, for fear of what he may discover: that he’s not all that and a cherry on top.

As a result, these same men inaccurately posit that if they are lonely and unhappy when single and have now found a woman to ‘complete’ them, that others must be as well. Which is, of course, garbage of the foulest degree. It may surprise some that staying single can be a choice, backed by pursuits of self development which supersede lengthy commitments to women. If you can be responsible for only yourself, make the money you want, do what you want, when you want, develop your character how you want, and – here’s the kicker – have female companionship to a limited degree of your choosing and on your terms, why don’t you? Answer: because it’s harder to realize your dreams than to drop them for the first woman who’ll have you, because it doesn’t happen overnight and you can’t think your way into it.

While there’s nothing wrong with long term, loving, monogamous relationships, there’s plenty wrong if they’re sought as a means to complete one’s own inadequacies rather than compliment a developed character and a life reflective of it. If women are pushing marriage and children back to 30 (an unwise decision given a rapidly closing fertility window and the inescapable wall), why is it that men are so quick to fall to one knee before realizing their own potential? For most, this is an exercise in futility. For the few, I salute you.

Confidence As Mindset Only – Beware The Price

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Confidence.

It seems to be the answer to all of life’s problems.

How do I get the girl(s) I want? Be confident.

How do I ace that interview? Be confident.

How do I stop people from taking advantage of me? Be confident.

How do I ___? Be confident.

And this is where generalizations crumble. The most common piece of advice given to guys, from both sexes, on how to get girls for any purpose (notch, girlfriend, wifey, etc) is to simply ‘be confident’. Surely you’ve heard it before. Hold you head up straight. Maintain eye contact. Relax, have fun. Approach. Put your chest out. Don’t take crap from anyone. Stop caring about what other people think. Just be yourself. I can go for days.

This is the shortcut, the ‘fake it til you make it’ approach that doesn’t last. It is merely a step, one that many have trouble rising above. Although a personality shift from beta to alpha does involve a certain period of behavioral modifications (stop looking at the ground, stop fidgeting), eventually you reach the apex of these bunny hills only to find a double diamond before you. And precisely because this confidence mindset works so well in the short term, it becomes an endless discussion of tips, tricks, techniques, and ‘inner game’, but because it doesn’t last, it leads to disenchantment. Some call this being jaded. Others look at themselves and find that it hasn’t brought satisfaction, that they have traded one distraction for another rather than pursuing the harder, but more rewarding path of true confidence.

So what’s the difference? Let me tell you a story.

Confidence as a Mindset

I was never a ladies’ man. I remember my first crush in grade school. She didn’t know I existed. Growing up I had no idea how to talk to girls, how to show my desire and reach a favorable outcome. I met my first girlfriend as a senior in high school, my ‘first love’. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I wrote her notes, carried her books, and spent every moment I could in her presence. Imagine the worst beta offenses, some too gut wrenching even for chick flicks – I did them all. And we didn’t even fuck. It wasn’t until a year later when I was done feeling sorry for myself that my second girlfriend initiated me. What followed through most of college was serial monogamy. One girlfriend after another, repeating the same mistakes over and over, though a bit less each time. I once drove across 3 states to rendezvous, all for a kiss and a fantasy of consummating a ‘long distance relationship’. Sick yet?

I began to realize that something was off. Why was it this much work? Why did girls hold all the cards? What was this mystery? The answers all had one common denominator – me. It all began as I was waiting on a plane for another boring summer vacation, perusing the mini bookstore when I came across Neil Strauss’s ‘The Game’. It made me think. It wasn’t long before I devoured any and all material I could find on how to act, dress, talk, walk, flirt, approach, and break down interactions with women into mathematical formulas. Slowly but surely, it worked. I had a formless mentor and I was retracing his steps.

Over time I stopped talking softly. I started to care about presentation. I walked with my head up. I quit apologizing. I told myself in the mirror, ‘you are one bad son of a bitch’. Some habits took years to break. All those nuances you read about – how to escalate kino, gauge interest, push-pull, became second nature. At times I’d surprise myself as I was running a ‘routine’ on auto pilot with predictable results.

I had internalized the basics. I became ‘confident’. With more successes in shorter time spans I could take a step back and search for root causes and a greater purpose. And in this search I found something amiss. I lacked true confidence. Not this ‘feel good’ garbage you recite every morning, but a deep understanding of self worth and direction verifiable by real world success.

Confidence Manifest

As it turns out a lot of these teachings, while great initially and situationally applicable (do 1, 2, 3, and if she does A, you do B), are merely bandaids. They don’t address the gooey center, the foundation which must be built for lasting success – confidence manifest.

I’ll use fitness as an example, as it’s a field in which I’ve spent the better part of a decade. I picked up weights near the end of high school as I got tired of being the scrawny kid no one would take seriously. I was fed up, tired of being bullied, and sexually pissed that girls didn’t like me ‘like that’, but I had no idea what I was doing. I joined a local rec, met some guys, and through trial and error and nature’s surge of testosterone packed on a few pounds. It wasn’t until several years later that I got serious, picked up books on basic barbell strength training, joined Bodybuilding, and began to dig deeper that I saw a real transformation. What followed was a mini obsession with perfection, from dieting, to custom routines, to every new fad I could find. Should I eat broccoli or cauliflower?

And through it all I got the body I wanted. I gained the strength, the size, the look, the know-how, the lifelong habit, and most importantly confidence manifest. I began to train others. I made up exercises. I became a trendsetter wherever I went. I’d do something wacky and a week later I’d see other guys attempting the same. Some would approach me and ask what I was doing because it ‘looked cool’. The girls would stop to watch. There was no grunting, no banging of dumbbells to garner attention. I simply was.

I know what to do to accomplish a goal, how long it will take, every step and every pitfall. I’m confident in my ability to achieve whatever physical feat I choose. I don’t need to debate 3-5 reps or 8-12, what days to train arms and when to hit legs, or what the ‘best’ exercise is for my biceps. Let the dogs bark. Become a wolf.

And so we come full circle to becoming a high value man, the underlying theme you’ll find at this abode. It takes time, effort, and sacrifice. The tips and tricks, the ‘confidence’ mindset is only the first step. Once internalized, it needs tangible backing. You can’t be confident in your body if you haven’t developed it to your liking and experienced the pain, the struggles, the sacrifices, and the rewards. You can’t be confident in your relationships if you haven’t done the same. You can’t be money confident if you haven’t experienced the basics of assets, liabilities, saving, living below your means, having a passion, generating value, and hustling.

Know this – no amount of game will make you more valuable beneath the surface. Sooner or later, the truth comes out. You will have to face yourself and ask ‘what do I have to offer? How valuable am I really?‘ This is exactly the problem most guys relying on bandaids face: they initially attract a woman through a series of behaviors, but quickly revert to their old ways given enough time in a relationship, then wonder why she leaves or why they’re unhappy.

So in your path of conquering whatever you choose, keep your eye on the prize, lest you wake up one day wishing you were back in college. As a mentor once told me, ‘build your empire and they will come’.