Following the previous post on embracing your demeanor, reader SlyStallion inquires:

Inherent demeanor is something I rarely see self-improvement bloggers write about, great to see that someone finally does.

This post made so much sense to me. Since I started reading various manosphere blogs and started experimenting with certain behaviors, it’s like I lost myself along the way. I’ve had a hard time figuring out my core attitudes and demeanor, which makes it hard to feel and appear genuine (even though I’m a great poser). Sometimes I’m the king of the hill during a night out (extraversion cranked to 11), other nights I’m wondering what the fuck I’m doing in the middle of a club when I have a good book/guitar at home (Recluse-level introversion). Sometimes I spit game and conversation like Harvey Specter, other times it’s like there’s no connection between my mouth and brain.

How did you figure out you core persona? On what did you reflect?

It’s really hard to improve yourself when you don’t know who you are anymore.

Let’s go line by line. The reason self improvement bloggers don’t write about demeanor is because in a sense it conflicts with the concept of change. I’ve spent years reading self help books, blogs, websites, and nearly all of them rehash the same boilerplate concepts with slight deviation. You have the power to become anything. Carpe diem. As you think you will become. It’s all in your head. And on and on. What they typically fail to address is that throughout your metamorphosis, you may go from a kitten to a lion, but you’ll never be a monkey.

This rabbit hole goes deep into Nature vs. Nurture territory. Are we really a blank slate? No. And this is where you have to see the balance. Red pill awareness demands a major personality shift, often taking years (and for some who are so plugged in, it’s impossible). But despite this ‘new you’, there are still bits – bestowed by nature – which never leave.

It’s easy to ‘lose yourself’ along the way, but find comfort in knowing that it’s a passing phase, much like the jaded aftertaste of the red pill. You’re in the midst of discovering your demeanor, right now.

Part of figuring out who you are is figuring out who you’re not.

To some degree you’ll always wear different masks around different people, but finding which fit you and which don’t is largely a process of trial and error. It’s almost like you have to be a poser for a while to discover what feels right. You can try to be the party animal, the thinker, the artist, the thrill seeker, the ___. There’s nothing wrong with this.

Time + experience + introspection = discovery.

Although I’m still chiseling my personal bits of uniqueness, the way I discovered it was by process of elimination. Last year I spent nearly 6 months unemployed by choice. Over the years I tried different career fields, started up multiple businesses, and have been generally flighty.  Before jumping into the ‘next best thing’, I realized it was time for a change. I had to look inward. What do I want? Really? How do I want my life to be 5 years from now? 10? 50? What do I want my legacy to be? What mark do I want to leave on the world before my dust?

I devoured books, websites, spent countless hours at the pool just thinking about ‘what the hell do you want out of life’ over and over and over until my brain hurt and eventually the answers started coming. I made a ‘life goals’ spreadsheet. I jotted monthly/yearly goals as far I could. Life is unpredictable and some things changed since, but the clarity remains.

And during all this I reflected on my years of unplugging and everything that transpired. I thought about how I changed, how I’m no longer who I was. Then an interesting thing happened: I realized that certain parts of me stayed the same. These ‘neutral’ traits made up my demeanor.

Despite becoming several orders of magnitude more social, I’m still one of the quietest people in any group. The difference is that I embraced and capitalized on it. I found I don’t have to be boisterous to get the ladies. I built the ‘cool, mysterious, well spoken guy’ persona around this trait and continue to improve it. As a result I’m a great conversationalist, not because I’m particularly chatty, but because I ask the right open-ended questions and get people to open up, trust, and connect with me – fast.

Take the time to look inward and don’t be discouraged if the light bulb doesn’t work right away. Eventually it’ll start to flicker and one day – weeks, months, maybe even years down the road – it’ll shine bright.