It’s coming – can you feel it? Cheap chocolates, stuffed animals, sub-par jewelry, break-ups, make-ups, and DNA everywhere. Most men intuitively know the ‘holiday’ is a load of crap, but when you consider the solipsistic nature of the female mind, your only choice – if sex is on your mind – is to roll with it. Below you’ll find a list of possible predicaments and how to use this day to your advantage.

If you’re in 1 relationship:

Duration of the relationship is key. For the sake of consistency, let’s assume you’ve been seeing each other – with some regularity – for at least a couple months. Anything less (or sporadic) is considered single. The shorter the relationship, the easier the date. I recommend going out on the town, eating something light (sushi), then hitting up a bar or club. Keep it low key and low cost. If you feel inclined to make a purchase, get a $2 stuffed animal and put a bottle of vodka in its hand.

If you’re several months deep, you’ll want to do something a little more sentimental so put your thinking cap on. The good news is it doesn’t have to be expensive, just something only you two have shared in your time together. The funnier/more embarrassing, the better. Double points if you add a hint of backhand to the compliment. Examples excluded because it has to come from you.

If you’re in multiple relationships:

Generally these don’t last long because of ‘the talk’ and girls are therefore in constant rotation, but if you’re regularly banging several hotties you have some planning to do. You want them all to feel special without thinking they’ve been shortchanged, so your options are twofold:

1) Skip town, literally (mini roadtrip) or figuratively (turn off your phone, your lights, and play video games all day). Preemptively tell them – days before if possible – that you’ll be out of town on business. You can preface it with mini ‘ahead of schedule’ gifts, followed by a ‘thinking of you’ text the day of before shutting down the tech.

2) Inform them that you’ll be going out with your buddies to do ‘something male’ – poker, casino, shooting stuff, drinking (be careful with this one), etc, because you don’t like the holiday much, but that you still want to see them. Then, stagger mini dates during the day with all of them. I used to show up with the aforementioned $2 stuffed animal, a mini-cake from a reputable bakery, and a couple single serving shots. 2 hours tops per visit. Your night is now free to do as you please. Go out and add another to your harem or – if there’s a girl you particularly fancy – spend the night in with her.

If you’re single:

Go out and have fun. There are a handful of nights each year where panties magically drop on their own (or aren’t worn at all) and this is one of them. Women, no matter how much they claim to love the single life, want a boyfriend (or the aggregate equivalent of male attention). On this day in particular the knife goes deep, the hamster redlines, and the inner slut comes out. You don’t even need your A game. Go get some, it doesn’t get much easier.

If you’re married:

Good luck.