On a rare occasion the stars align and a cute girl picks you up, initially sober. When this happens, you know you’re doing something right. It was a normal night bartending, and still early so not a lot of patrons. In comes a fatty and her hipster pothead friend. 20 years old, natural perky Cs (pierced as I later found out), nice and thin with a little cushion in the backside, just how I like them. Too young to be spoiled by the effects of age, drugs, and a generally unhealthy lifestyle common to America. 7.25, I’ll take it.
I don’t notice them until her friend (hereafter referred to as ‘fug’) barges in, says ‘how you doing cutie’ and orders a round. I don’t flirt back – she’s repulsive – but I have to play nice. Not only is she a potential cockblock, but she plays a significant role in the bar’s operations, so I have to indulge her advances for the job’s sake. Let’s not talk about it.
I immediately scan her friend, we do introductions, and follow with a couple rounds. I know they’re here to get silly. Fug notices me noticing her friend and proceeds to tell me some fun facts, such as ‘she squirts … across the room’. I immediately high five my target, tell her I like her already, and get them a drink. She tells me I’m cute and asks if I smoke. I rarely do, less than 5 times/year (not my thing), but I ask if it’s quality and she concedes that it is. I tell her we should smoke and she immediately fast forwards to ‘tonight?’ Why yes, if you insist.
To be fair, I came somewhat pre-selected. Apparently there’s been talk of me as the ‘cute bartender’ at fug’s work and she’s mentioned me to her friend prior to their arrival. A little social proof – no matter who it’s from – goes a long way.
At this point I’m fairly confident it’s in the bag. She keeps checking me out, her and fug are talking and looking in my direction while I’m tending to other customers, and we both keep reiterating our plans for the night. But I’m still a little wary. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that you’re most vulnerable right before the victory. I’ve lost many a girl thinking the deal done prematurely, so I adopted a skeptical mindset (and I advise you do the same). Until you’re in, it doesn’t count. There are a million things that can go wrong between promise and execution, so be on your guard and don’t feel disappointed if it doesn’t pan out.
Especially not when there’s a fat, ugly, engaged cockblock attached to her hip, who wants a piece for herself. I was trying not to vomit in my mouth, but fug was getting to me. She said ‘if you’re taking her home, you need to find me a guy too, or I’m coming with you and you have to kiss my neck for a minute, that’s all I want. I’m engaged (shows me the rock, I’m shocked at who would want that), but he’s overseas so whatever.’ Gross.
When I notice her going to the bathroom, I ask my target ‘does she really have to come with us?’ to which she assures me that she’ll figure something out. They have to leave for a while (to smoke apparently) and I get her number and tell her to text me right away so if something went down and they didn’t make it back, we could still meet up that night. She promises to return. Here’s our text exchange, my replies in bold.
Got it, (my name)
Sooo cute. Be back for u.
Im def stayin with u
Awesome, I’m ready to smoke
Im ready for u
You might want to wait til 2 to come here, it’s packed unless you want to hang out at the end of the bar and do shots
Of course i do
Im in parkin lot. Comin in soon
True to her word, they come back, now high. It’s pretty busy so I tell her I’ll get her a drink, but I won’t be able to talk until we close. When the lights come on and we start cleaning, fug is laying it on thick (heh) and I can barely handle it. There’s no guy waiting for her – big surprise – so she’s cockblocking hardcore.
Somewhere in the midst of an hour of shenanigans, I notice a shift in fug’s attitude. She’s still annoying, but becoming more bearable, and eventually leaves her friend alone with me. As I later find out, my girl paid her $50 to leave. Reluctantly, she accepted. That’s when you know you’re doing it right.
My coworkers – supposedly my allies – all tell her I’m a ‘giant whore’ while I’m away cleaning, to which she replies ‘I don’t care’. She confides this info to me later. I call them out on it the next night we’re working. In a stern tone, I say: ‘I thought you had my back, I see how it is. Don’t expect any help from me’ and proceed to ignore them the rest of the night. Jealously runs wild, especially with those whose personal life is in the slumps. Things like that are not forgotten, but I accept the challenge of overcoming cockblocking from my own crew.
Anything less would be unbecoming of a man.
Despite everything, we close shop and I drive the sexy brunette back to my place. I put on some music, we have another drink, smoke, and not 10 minutes in she’s stripping without any help from me. I guess she was ready and didn’t want to wait any longer. No foreplay, just straight to blowjob and a good hour of sex (I think). Squirters are fun.
For the curious, here’s our conversation the next day:
Thanks for the fun night! Hope to see u again soon!
(2 days later)
So how experimental are you
What do u mean?
Well you’re 20, so kinda down for whatever, so I’m curious. I take it you’re into girls
Have any you hang out with?
Want to find one with me
To be continued …
PS. To all the cockblockers out there – you know who you are – enjoy my long middle finger while the raw philandering continues. Victory is so much sweeter when haters bite it.