While getting over an ex is tough, there’s no reason to prolong the inevitable. Breakups are final, regardless of the cause. It’s understandable that a longer relationship (1 year+) results in a moderate-strong bond that’s hard to break – especially if you don’t have a backup plan – but it’s still amazing how many people break up and get back together, only to do it all over again next week. It’s as if a certain number of breakups need to occur before one party decides to leave for good.
Understand this – we have a very finite amount of time on this planet and willingly subjecting yourself to more pain when you know deep down it’s not going to end well is just silly. For men, it usually takes a few rounds before they learn their lesson – that cutting all ties immediately and for good is best. There’s no amount of closure, ‘we can still be friends’, post-breakup sex, or slow parting of ways that’s going to make things easier.
The longer you’re together, the harder it’s going to be to move on and anything beyond a clean break will only extend the healing process. So don’t do it.
Why you broke up is relevant for lesson extraction purposes, but irrelevant to getting over it. It doesn’t matter if you were drinking and something was said or done, or something got blown out of proportion, or someone cheated – once you decide to call it quits there’s no going back.
Put another way, if you were that into each other a) serious concerns would be rare (and typically front-loaded at the start of the relationship as you’re figuring each other out) and b) any minor issues would be worked through on the spot. That’s part of a mature, loving relationship. Anything else is casual.
For most people, relationships up through their 20’s are extremely volatile. Men and women alike want (need?) to ‘get it out of their system’. We often refer to a hot girl ‘riding the cock carousel’ of alpha males before settling for a beta as she exits her prime, but it’s a bit of a catch-all that goes both ways. Generally, women past 23 or so are open to a longer, serious relationship, but just like screening for a ‘good woman’ is a tedious process for men, finding a ‘good man’ is likewise a journey.
The point is that a certain degree of experience is necessary for both sexes to realize what they want, don’t want, and to develop a strong sense of self. It is for this reason that high school and college relationships typically don’t last, and that’s ok. As a man, you’ll benefit a lot more by focusing on the real reason you’re in school (or your business, if higher education isn’t your thing) and taking what you can get on the side.
Short of completely missing the signs resulting in cheating, breakups don’t just happen on a whim. A complex mate valuation takes place before one person decides that they don’t want anything serious – or anything at all. So if you begin to entertain thoughts of jumping ship – pay attention. Sometimes it’s necessary to sleep on it, but it’s never ok to ‘let it go’ without some resolution.
People change for better or for worse, so if something about your girl bothers you – tell her. If it’s important enough to you, it should be important enough to her (and vice versa). Then it’ll either continue to happen – at which point you can decide if the relationship is worth prolonging – or she’ll adjust accordingly. This sort of calibration is the bread and butter of success.
It’s simple – if you’re not happy together, you shouldn’t be together. Unfortunately this is complicated (for men) when they have to weigh the pros of leaving a destructive relationship against the cons of temporary celibacy. Sex is a deal maker and a deal breaker. Men and women alike know this, and it’s the man who can control his drive who’s capable of making the more important decision – is she worth his time?
In summary, you only need to know 2 things:
- If you ever feel unsure of whether you want to progress your relationship, ask yourself why. Then either tell her (if it’s something about her) or break it off (if it’s something about you, such as you’re not quite ready for commitment).
- All breakups, regardless of reason or who initiates or under what circumstances – are final. Getting back together is about the dumbest thing you can do. It’s an overt display of your lack of dignity (if she broke up with you) or your indecisiveness (if you broke up with her).