If you’ve been dating a girl for a while – typically around the 2-4 month mark – she’s going to push for commitment of sorts. The difference in your sexual market value will dictate how soon you have ‘the talk’ and how likely she is to stick around should you deflect the question, but sooner or later it’s coming. If you decide to take the next step and commit to her emotionally (not to be confused with exclusivity quite yet), you’re going to have to change things up a little.
I’ll be writing a series on ‘how to stay alpha in a relationship’ – which is something the overwhelming majority of men struggle with – but for now let’s examine a core concept. Although the intricacies of longer running relationships are several orders of magnitude more complex than initial seduction, the basic principles are the same. And the most basic principle of all is a question that requires an honest answer:
Is your relationship constructive or destructive?
Ultimately, nothing else matters. When you’re casually dating and are emotionally detached, her drama and daily shenanigans don’t register, but once you open your heart just a little the small things start becoming more important. With this extra time commitment and emotional responsibility, you have to ask yourself if it’s heading in the right direction. What is the right direction?
Your mission – not your woman – is your mission. In a constructive relationship, she will support your mission through her feminine strengths and you will support her through your masculine strengths.
Your mission is what you want out of life. If you seriously want to make millions, your relationship is constructive if she’s there through the long hours, the uncertainty inherent to risk, and most importantly through the trials. Far too many women come when the going is good and leave when times get tough – the one who sticks by you is a rarity. If you want to raise a family, your relationship is constructive if she’s nurturing and understands the attention competition between parents and children (and balances the two). You get the idea.
Together, the relationship is constructive if the give/take balance only tips slightly.
I’m purposely avoiding details because they vary by context. What defines a constructive relationship between a 30′s cohabiting low income couple with kids in the inner city will be different from a childless early 20′s couple living in a posh neighborhood.
A destructive relationship is everything else – it doesn’t have to be dramatic.
Assuming you’re focused on your mission, is your relationship helping you achieve it in some way? If it’s not, you don’t need to be in one – not with her, and maybe not with anyone. You only get one life and you literally can’t afford to waste any of it on people who slow you down. If you’re happier and more driven with her by your side – stay. If the opposite is true – leave.