Category Archives: Beta

What Would Alpha Do?

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As you’re going through the steps of realigning your personality with whatever ideal you aspire to, you’re likely to experience moments of confusion. Lots of them. In such situations – before the transformation is complete – you need a guiding beacon.

Without delving into the nitty gritty definition of what makes an alpha male, even a nebulous concept thereof can be judged on sight by both sexes. You may not be able to quite put your finger on why, but you just know if a guy is acting like an alpha or a fag. Beyond the rude awakening to the workings of the sexual marketplace, even a recovering beta knows how he should act. His challenge is the follow through.

So in moments of clinging weakness, ask yourself:

What would alpha do?

You’ll most likely get an answer you won’t like and it won’t always be correct, but even the ‘wrong’ path will be better than your initial course of action.

On top of that, doing so allows you to shift responsibility onto an imaginary persona. Sounds quack right? Not really. One of the hardest things to overcome after unplugging is cognitive dissonance. Past a certain extent we never get rid of it, as rationalization is a natural human coping/ego preservation mechanism, but the more you can subdue this impulse the clearer your mind will become.

From a logical standpoint, you won’t know exactly who you are during your transition, so an external guide is necessary. This guide is usually some combination of mentors, books, visual media, and firsthand observation – but it’s not always available. In those dire moments when you don’t know how to act, that nonexistent idealization of the man you want to be will have the answer. It’s better than the former ‘you’, but not quite the perfect ‘you’. It’s a ‘you in progress’. Do it enough times and you just might start becoming the very person you imagine.

Watch Fight Club if you haven’t. It’s a perfect example of this alpha/beta dichotomy with subsequent transformation and easily a top 10 movie.

The Case Against Prostitution: Why You Shouldn’t Pay For Sex

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A number of guys – particularly the younger crowd frustrated over holding the V card past 20 – entertain thoughts of financing prostitution. Don’t do it. While there’s no free lunch and we still pay for sex with time and/or money indirectly, doing so overtly – especially prior to learning game – is a terrible idea. It’s true that a large percentage of women are expensive hookers when you break it down logically, but we don’t live in a logical world. The male ego is more sensitive (and much harder to circumvent) than a female’s due to a slower spinning hamster, and as such it requires a careful approach.

Here are a few reasons why directly paying for sex will shatter your ego, possibly for a lifetime:

  1. You’re admitting defeat. Male virginity is infuriating at times. I know, I’ve been there. I was roughly middle of the pack – losing it at 19 – but I still remember the anger at not being able to defile my first girlfriend. It was maddening. However, in times of struggle you can persevere and succeed, or quit and lose. Learn and apply game. Don’t tell girls you’re a virgin and don’t psyche yourself out. Go out and have fun. If you’re 20+ you’re probably in college and only a few house parties and a couple keg stands away from getting the bang. There are a few times in life when it’s wise to admit defeat, but this isn’t one of them.
  2. You’ll always remember your first time. When you start racking up numbers, you sometimes forget the details. I can only imagine the memory loss of celebrities, because after just 50 girls I’m already going senile. But I still remember my first like it was yesterday. We had been dating about a month and I was a barely able to contain my horniness. Our first date ended in a heavy makeout and fingering session in my car at a Walmart parking lot. A few weeks later we were at her house, her sister was gone, dad was at work, and mom had to go run some errands. We were lying on the couch watching TV. Not 5 minutes went by before we looked at each other and just knew. A few seconds later we were on the dining room floor going at it, rug burns and all. It was a proud moment for me. Do you really want to remember plundering a stranger in vivid detail for the rest of your life?
  3. It doesn’t make subsequent lays easier. Experience matters, but there’s a catch – it has to be the right kind. After losing my virginity, I knew it was only the beginning (I was also a huge beta and we had an explosive breakup 2 months later, but that’s another story – live and learn). The next girl I dated I went in guns blazing. I felt like I had acquired a special leg spreading super power and you know what they say – as you think you shall become. Of course I crashed and burned many times since, but with each new conquest I felt like I had read a new chapter in the book of life. If you throw some cash around, what do you learn? Nothing.
  4. It’s a vicious cycle. Alleviating what seems like an eternal dry spell with a prostitute has a very real danger of becoming a habit. So you get your rocks off, now what? You think ‘I’m a man now’, only to find that women look at you exactly the same. The game hasn’t changed, except now you’ve experienced the finer pleasure in life and you want seconds. If you don’t get it for ‘free’ soon, chances are you’ll be emptying your wallet again. Do it enough times and you’ll begin to question your sexual validity worse than before.
  5. No chase, no victory, no pat on the back. The male ego gets off on conquest. It doesn’t matter much what it is. You lift more, drive a faster car, beat someone in a video game, make more money, and drop those panties. There needs to be a challenge, even if it’s token resistance. Without an obstacle to overcome (which can be retroactive, i.e. drowning in pussy after years of self improvement, hustle, and sacrifice) there can be no victory. You put some money on a dresser as a gift and get your tool wet. Any minimum wage worker can do it. But where’s your game? Where’s the built up value that makes you naturally attractive to women?
  6. You feel empty. I’ve never done it, but I can only imagine. Even drunken one night stands have an element of triumph – she found something about you attractive. Hookers could be repulsed and still put out. In the end, you still go about your business the next day, but how will you feel?

The Case For Prostitution

There are a couple instances where it could make sense, but these are exceptions.

  1. Disability. If you have a physical deformity or mental condition that you just can’t seem to overcome no matter what, it’s an option. But you’re still giving up. After all, if limbless Nick Vujicic can snag a wife (great dude by the way), you have no excuse.
  2. Extreme wealth. Billionaire status. More money than you can spend. Women (and everyone really) will fight tooth and nail to rob you of your dough. Might as well pay a little for a quick romp and send them on their merry way. But if you reach this echelon, there’s not much left to conquer. I suppose you can look for ‘true love’ and feed the world.

In short, just don’t. It’ll do more harm than good. Unless you want to live life as a bitter beverly.

Betas Gonna Beta – Exposing Hater Tactics

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A recent lay report expectantly ruffled some beta feathers, resulting in an entertaining debate between the pastiest of white knights and guys who know better. While countless tactics are employed in an attempt to level the playing field, today we’ll be addressing a specific set you may encounter if you subscribe to the concepts, date ideas, and step by step instructions presented at this abode. But first, let’s talk about the why.

Nearly everyone has game, even betas. Beta game, although extremely ineffective, is still game. In any social hierarchy, the lower ranks attempt to rise by dragging the higher ranks down to their level (monkeys in a barrel preventing each other from escaping). In rare cases, some rise despite the oppression (monkeys escaping the barrel). This is how alphas are made.

You can see this in action everywhere. In any group, the loudest, most obnoxious, most attention seeking members are typically the betas. The alpha sits back. He knows he’ll get his. He doesn’t need to kick and scream; his bite is much stronger than his bark. Notice how the ‘cool guy’ at the party, the strongest guy at the gym, the baddest mofo in room knows it. He doesn’t have to justify, explain, or defend. And others know it too.

In your journey from the former to the latter, expect resistance. Lots of it. Everyone wants a piece – including the overwhelming majority of blue pillers – and arming yourself with beta bombs will ease your daily facepalming.

Somewhat specific to that lay report, let’s look at a few shaming tactics, assumptions, and accusations you’re likely to confront.

‘You have no game, you have to get her drunk, then rape her.’

Breaking down this trifecta is unnecessary to see intent. The blue pill mindset is predicated upon ‘ignorance is bliss’ and thus the default ego preservation response to game that works isn’t ‘what could I learn from this and do better next time?’ but rather ‘this can’t be legit because it’s not something I do, or would do, or am currently capable of doing, so therefore it’s wrong.’

Here’s a hint: the open minded, the ones who are eager to learn and improve, are the few who make out it of the barrel. The rest waste their lives in passive aggressive loathing for those in better predicaments. Looking in the mirror and realizing you’re not all that is tough. It hurts. And it causes some serious introspection and subsequently painful changes, but they’re worth it in the end.

A quick word on alcohol – contrary to the belief of some, it doesn’t make people do what they don’t want to. Quite the opposite, it helps them do what they want but are otherwise restricted by mental barriers – morality, coyness, lacking confidence, societal expectations, etc. Alcohol subdues the human forebrain and elevates the animal hindbrain. It’s called liquid courage for a reason.

Context

This isn’t specific to betas so much as people in general. It’s natural to look at isolated incidents (a guy smacking a girl for example) and come to incorrect conclusions based on incomplete information. The human brain constantly attempts to shortcut information processing and fill in the blanks to make quick decisions, but this is one instance where it’s good to go against the grain. Most miscommunication occurs precisely because not enough facts are exchanged, so train yourself to examine the broader picture as much as possible.

Slut Shaming Language

Once the beta has sufficiently (in his mind) negated the prowess of the man, he turns his attention to the woman. After all, it’s not just the guy who’s in the wrong; she has to be a dirty whore as well. So when a successful pickup defies the beta imperative, he’ll lash out with the following rationalizations:

  1. She has STDs. Clearly any girl who puts out for another guy has some disease, but if she were to ever spread for him, she’d be a chaste princess who could do no wrong. Such hypocrisy is astonishing to the point of lunacy.
  2. She’s low quality. A woman’s quality/worth is first and foremost determined by her physical attractiveness, but appealing to secondary traits is the beta’s bread and butter. Unfortunately for him, even the women he hopes to score points with see past the bullshit and reward him with platitudes to keep the hamster spinning, all the while spreading for the same guys he’s trying to dethrone.
  3. She’s easy, any guy can get her. Who are we kidding? If these hot ‘low quality, disease ridden sluts’ were so easy, do you honestly think guys would turn down an HB 7+ on the pretense of sexual promiscuity? If anything, they’d be more willing to bang it out due to overt signs of availability. The fact is they’re not easy. They don’t give in to anyone. And the hotter they are, the more you need to offer, regardless of their personality, achievements, or any other icing.

Rape Accusations

While you’re unlikely to hear this in public – at least not face to face as doing so is grounds for physical confrontation – it’s another assumption and a hefty accusation at that. In America today, women hold the rape card and the burden of proof is always on you, so let’s clear up a few things:

  1. If she likes you, it’s not rape. Legality doesn’t matter. If she enjoyed your company before, during, and after, the means are irrelevant. In fact, resistance is healthy for developing a future relationship. Not only do women enjoy being taken, but men enjoy doing the taking. Indulge each other. (I fully expect this statement to be taken out of context.)
  2. If she doesn’t like you, it’s rape. All it takes is a bit of regret to land you in hot waters. For this reason, it’s important to distinguish between ‘no’ and ‘NO’, to be aggressive but back off if necessary, to give her a way out, to walk on the precipice without slipping. It doesn’t require a lot of brain power, just a small dose of social awareness. The everyday version of this is such: women like being hit on by guys they find attractive and detest being hit on by guys they find repulsive. Durr.
  3. Even if there’s no rape at all, it can still be rape. At any point a woman can cry rape, sober or drunk, for any reason, and get away with it even if she lies. Why? Because she’s a woman, get used to it. The only way to win a war devoid of logic is psychologically. He who plays it safe gets nothing. Play smart. Cover your bases, such as saving text messages proving the aftermath was not regrettable.
  4. Alcohol is not rape. Statistical correlation is not causation. Women aren’t dumb. They may disguise their pragmatism behind a veneer of idealized romance to ward off the betas, but those who follow actions – not words – eventually see the nature of the feminine for what it is. If a girl goes out for drinks with you, then comes back to your pad, 9/10 times it’s on.

Usage Of Power

A common sense disclaimer should be attached to any knowledge that brings you power. Some will use it for good, others for nefarious purposes. And quite a few will royally screw it up, but such is the game. If you keep an open mind, learn, apply, learn some more, and reapply, eventually you’ll escape the barrel and get what’s yours.

Don’t be a hater, it won’t get you far.

Easy Pickings – Don’t Anti Game

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When you’re out with a girl, half the battle is not doing stupid shit. Avoid making yourself look like a tool and you’ll skyrocket past most guys. Easy right? Not so fast. Here’s a story about a man who – with the help of a friend – staged an attack to impress his date. Naturally, it went horribly wrong. It’s a brief tale so I’ll post it in its entirety:

How to impress a woman? The question has befuddled generations of men. Sure, you could go the traditional route and offer a few thoughtful compliments while subtly mentioning that you were all-county shot put in high school. Or, you could do what a Jonesboro, Ark., man did and stage a knife attack in a parking lot.

Not surprisingly, Jeffrey Tyler Siegel’s ruse didn’t go quite as planned. According to KAIT8, Siegel and a woman he was out on a date with were walking after an evening out. That’s when a man in black appeared and told Siegel, “You can go. But your girlfriend stays.”

Siegel’s date screamed and ran off to get help, while Siegel claimed he stayed and fought the knife-wielding attacker. Police and canine units searched the surrounding area for the attacker but came up empty. After a few hours, the hunt was called off.

Investigators contacted the woman about the attack a few days later, and she said something interesting: Siegel had been texting a lot and acting odd in the minutes leading up it.

Police brought the hapless Casanova in for questioning. After they assured him that they wouldn’t press charges if he came clean, he spilled the beans. He’d set up the entire thing as a way to impress his lady friend. The “attacker” was a friend, and everything had been staged.

KAIT-8 reports that, according to the police report, Siegel said, “He did not ever intend on it going this far and that he did not plan on the police being notified. He said it just really got out of hand very fast.”

The station spoke with the man’s date, who commented that the fake attack didn’t have the effect Siegel had hoped it might. It “was not very heroic,” she said.

Signs of beta are easily recognizable, and our chap’s attempt reeks of it. His thought process behind the ruse is simple: be the nice guy on a date, then let the macho man out when she gets ‘attacked’ in hopes she’ll swoon for her savior. While it’s conceptually sound – girls get wet when their man sticks up for them, or when guys fight in general – the execution was poor.

Acting weird and repeatedly texting minutes before the ‘attack’? Check. The female BS radar is generally razor sharp. Inveterate ‘players’ can approach this level of acumen, but it takes years of practice. In other words, she can smell fishiness from afar.

Having the attacker say ‘you can go but your girlfriend stays’? Check. Who says that? Muggings play out differently.

The fact that she screamed and ran off instead of observing, and he allegedly fought the attacker – unseen – suggests she wasn’t confident in his ability to defend her.

‘It was not very heroic.’ Translation: ‘sit tight while I spread the word to ensure no woman in this town will ever go out with you again’.

Fortunately he got off easy. It didn’t ‘get out of hand really fast’. It could have been a lot worse. If she had a concealed weapon, it’s entirely possible she could have shot him, leading to hospitalization at best, homicide at worst, with more than one person going to prison. Is it really worth it for a little poon?

For fucks sake, don’t do this. Especially not in a city less than 100,000 strong. If he has any chance, I suggest a good look in the mirror followed by relocation.

While knowledge of game may be mainstream, the majority still (and always will) have it severely twisted. If you want to get laid forget pickup lines, routines, ‘thoughtful’ gestures, and definitely staged attacks whose faulty premise is to make you look alpha.

This is the problem with ‘PUA’ and its associations to game: guys focus on the symptoms rather than the core tenets. Cocky/funny, aloofness, agree & amplify, those are all byproducts of a mindset. By all means fake it (learn the symptoms) until you make it (change your mindset) – I did – but try to be rational about it. If you need to stage anything, it’s time to head back to the drawing board.

The basic rules of supply and demand still dominate the sexual market. With so many clueless AFCs running around – and the number is growing despite red pill ‘awareness’ – even a little self improvement will make it easy pickings. Be a breath of fresh air and they will come.

16 Ways A Beta Blew His Marriage

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Sometimes it helps to learn what not to do from others. I’ve written about a poor Facebook pickup attempt before, but this is even juicier. A former beta coworker (now married with children) posted this on Facebook a while back, promoting it as a ‘great read’. He was right, but not in the way he intended. The article, entitled ‘16 Ways I Blew My Marriage‘, is a 16 point list of what you should do to the contrary – with the right calibration and attitude – to not only sustain a marriage or relationship but make it flourish. As a lot of these points are misguided, I felt it was my duty to set the record straight.

As you can guess, the title gives it away – pedestalizing the ex-wife as the one who made the right decisions is the scent of beta. What’s even more interesting is the commentary in the article: it’s primarily female. It’s as if this was written by a woman, for women. They all nod their heads in agreement, show the list to their herby husbands, then proceed to cuckold them during an innocent GNO (Girl’s Night Out). This is going to be long, so let’s dig in.

1. Don’t stop holding her hand.

When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.

Correction: stop being so needy that you require constant, public affirmation of her desire for you. She may even hold your hand out of obligation, but it won’t have any emotion behind it. He ruined #1 by holding her hand too much. Out in public, let women you’re dating/are in a relationship with initiate the kino. Let her come to you. She’ll enjoy showing the competition you’re off the market and you’ll enjoy the ego boost.

2. Don’t stop trying to be attractive.

Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely, if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.

This I agree with, though a certain level of comfort and thereby reduced competition anxiety is inevitable the longer you’re involved. You should look and smell good always as you never know who you’ll run into. But do it for yourself, not just for her. As for holding back farts or excusing yourself, that’s just etiquette. If you let yourself go, she’ll do the same.

3. Don’t always point out her weaknesses.

For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might be able to improve.

Taken to an extreme this can be damaging but in controlled bits and in the right moments, it’s mandatory. Read the third sentence: ‘when I only told her how amazing she was’. No playful teasing. No Agree & Amplify. No knocking her ego down from the stratosphere. No game. Is it any wonder the marriage is no more?

4. Don’t stop cooking for her.

I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.

Imagine yourself in an apron. Now, julienne your balls and throw them in the soup. Actually the problem here isn’t the cooking per se, but rather the effort expended to ‘woo’ a girl and the incongruent behavior that follows. It’s the same as the guy who stops working out after getting a girlfriend. If you enjoy cooking, by all means show off your skills, but like #2 do it for yourself. If it’s truly a hobby/passion/habit, you won’t stop doing it. And if it’s not, there’s no reason to do it in the first place (at least not regularly).

But maybe that’s just me. My mother always cooked when I was growing up. She never complained and actually enjoyed it. She cleaned and somewhat enjoyed that too – or at least wasn’t as averse to it as men are. And while she did spend more time at home than my dad, she also worked.

Men in the kitchen, women in the workforce. Goodbye America!

5. Don’t yell at your spouse.

I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding and authoritative.

Another byproduct of complacency. ‘Lazy yelling’ is a mood killer (I’ve been guilty of this), but the reason it happens in the first place is spending too much time together and removing all tension (a prerequisite for desire). If you maintain your own set of hobbies and interests and get away when you need to, you’ll enjoy each other’s company all the more.

Ninon de l’Enclos, a French courtesan and author, said ‘love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion’. Think about that.

6. Don’t call names.

I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names, and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just about anything else.

There’s an art to name calling, just like there’s an art to game. In game, finesse is the difference between smooth and creepy. In name calling, it’s the difference between diffusing a situation while getting her wet and turning a minor fight into a long term grudge. Don’t call her stupid, call her Special Ed (in a playful tone). Pet names? Sure thing, sugartits. Lovechop. Applebutt. Really, any delicious food + physical feature = instant mental redirection. Call her names, but do it the right way and she’ll love you for it.

7. Don’t be stingy with your money.

As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was bring undo stress to our relationship.

Again, it’s a matter of degree. Forcing her to order water at restaurants is cheap, but trusting her with your credit card and a day at the mall is asking for trouble. Although shared finances are typically reserved for marriage, it would behoove one to set some ground rules before it’s too late and you’re forced to backpedal. If it’s your money, you can be as stingy with it as you want. If she’s a stay at home wife/mother, she better be compensating in other ways. Unless you get off on a Bored Housewife arrangement.

8. Don’t argue in front of the kids.

There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.

Children aren’t dumb. They’ll eavesdrop behind your closed door anyway. A little drama is healthy for a relationship; it’s when the bickering becomes routine that you should be concerned. Bigger problems ruined his marriage.

9. Don’t encourage each other to skip working out.

I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.

Not only that, but you should encourage each other to continue exercising. Complacency to a degree is natural, but a wife letting herself go is a visual reminder – 24/7 – of how little respect she has for you. And while it is important for both sexes to remain fit, out of shape men are less repulsive than out of shape women due to a difference in valuation (men primarily seek looks; women seek a combination of metrics of which looks is just one).

Actually, this is a bigger issue of lifestyle. Single = hit the gym. Involved = sit on the couch. It’s a tale as old as time and indicative of a lack of health prioritization. If you don’t exercise just as much when single as you do when hitched, you haven’t made it a lifestyle. Unfortunately most of the Western world is ok with being clinically obese, so this comes as no surprise.

Furthermore, as a man it’s your duty to lead. If you stay in tip top shape, your significant other will either follow suit or become so insecure the relationship will end sooner than later (which is a good thing). And know this: having a hot body will make you the topic of conversation on the regular, among other health benefits.

10. Don’t poop with the bathroom door open.

I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I was less attractive.

That’s just nasty. I lived with two girlfriends in the past and have never done this. As with #9, she will mirror your actions over time. If you feel it’s ok to shit with the door open, you’re not going to have a healthy relationship.

11. Don’t stop kissing her.

It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and whatnot.

There’s no reason to reward poor behavior. If there’s ‘stress’ or ‘tension’ or you’re fighting, sending mixed signals via signs of affection will only hurt you in the long run, by, you know – ruining your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with affection – it’s the glue of relationships – but it has to be consistent. If there’s an argument and you distance yourselves, maintain that distance until she comes around.

Too much of anything is bad. If you’ve ever been on ‘I love you terms’ with a woman, you know the difference between the first few confessions and the perfunctory ‘love ya too’ at the end of 10th phone call before noon.

12. Don’t stop having fun together.

Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.

One of the sinister downsides to shacked up long term relationships is boredom creep. It becomes increasingly preferable to veg out on the couch and watch some stupid show than to see the world. This is one of the few points I agree with. The best way to ‘maintain’ fun is to have your own hobbies in which you can participate. If you’re in a sport, she can come watch you play. If she’s into music, you can watch her perform. However, men and women innately enjoy different things, so finding an overlap (if it’s not already there) once you’re committed can be tough.

13. Don’t pressure each other.

Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.

Notice the self-flagellation. He doesn’t mention a single thing he pressured her about. This is typical female nagging within the confines of an LTR, particularly if you begin to slip up. Felt pressured to make more money? I wonder if it had anything to do with her spending habits (see #7). Once again we come to a question of degree. A little pressure on certain matters is good. If she’s slipping up on the exercise, a backhanded compliment will get the point across. Constant pressure on the other hand is a sign of an exit waiting to happen. If you’re consistently dissatisfied with a particular trait in your partner, you either didn’t screen properly at the onset or he/she presented a good enough advertisement for you to make the purchase and now the gig is up.

14. Don’t label each other with negative labels.

Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.” Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked the label worsen in big ways.

Defaulting to verbal accosting is an easy out, but a faulty one. Remember: actions over words, always. The author claims the solution is to replace negative labels with positive comments, which sounds good in theory but falls apart in execution. You can’t reward bad behavior, so rather than putting the blame on her for an indiscretion, show your disapproval through actions.

I once dated and lived with a girl who had a habit of leaving clothes all over the floor, everywhere. Rather than chastise her (and knowing how much time she spent watching mind-numbing shows on the couch), I would simply gather all her crap and toss it on the couch, right before the episodes began. She got the hint.

15. Don’t skip out on things that are important to her.

It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame. There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing she needs is to know that I’m there.

Again, there’s a fine line to this. If she’s into Mimosa Sundays with her gossiping girlfriends, there’s no reason for you to join. Ever. She has her hobbies, you have yours. Maintaining some distance is mandatory when you live together, otherwise you’ll become increasingly annoyed of the ‘other’ breathing down your neck in everything you do.

If you don’t have at least a short list of things you ‘both enjoy’ (beyond eating and fucking), perhaps you didn’t choose wisely to begin with.

16. Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.

I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.

Correction: he never got to experience the power of make-up sex because he never stood his ground, because she never felt the temporarily loss and the heartbreak it causes, both of which are necessary for the reconciliation to have full effect. In short, she didn’t care if she lost him. And when your woman stops caring, it’s time to go.

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Although long term relationships (and marriage by extension) have an additional set of rules for success, the basic tenets of game still apply. ‘Letting your guard down’ and ‘finally being yourself’ implies incongruent behavior at the beginning of the relationship. This later unveiling of the ‘real’ you is a recipe for disaster. So is the assumption that once the knot is tied the game is over.

It’s never over.