My last post about just being there for her as a key ingredient for stronger emotional bonding (aka love) understandably caused some confusion. On the surface, it seems there’s a very fine line between allowing her to open up and being the rock she desires, and acting as an emotional tampon for her to unload the billion things that annoy her. While it does take experience to understand there’s a difference in the first place, discerning it is fairly simple.
Emotional Tampon – Trivialities
99% of what a woman says will be trivial. Your job is to recognize the important 1%. Within a committed relationship, it’s extremely common for the girl to yap about her day and how this bitch gave her a dirty look and that bitch said something mean and how her butt looks big. The dutiful boyfriend who sits there and nods while hating his life is now an emotional tampon. And this term isn’t reserved for beta male orbiters – a husband, a boyfriend, a friend with benefits can all suffer the same fate. In his mind, it’s the price he pays for continued access to her vagina.
To her, she’s slowly losing attraction. If you’re always there, always ready to listen to what is clearly verbal vomit without any prior mental processing, you’ll get what you deserve. Now, when a girl you’re seeing starts telling you about her day, telling her to shut the fuck up isn’t going to do you any good. There’s a better way.
Closely resembling the ‘alpha fucks, beta bucks’ sexual/provisional selection strategy, I believe women ‘build a boyfriend’. There are always multiple men in her life. Some (usually one at a time) she uses for sex, some she uses for fixing stuff, some she uses for venting, and some she keeps around for a rainy day just so she can feel wanted.
Your goal, then, is to get the best and leave the rest.
You want to be the guy she bangs and occasionally confides in and the rest will work itself out, so it’ll actually benefit you if she has male orbiters to soak up her banalities. You’re ‘that guy’ – the alpha she fucks while he’s the beta she complains to about you. Naturally you’re assuming the risk that the stars will align and one day she’ll ‘see his good intentions and fall into his dutifully loving arms’, but this risk is greatly exaggerated. If you’re on top of your world, she won’t dare because she’ll know you’ll leave without blinking.
Step 1 is to give her space and not be jealous when she’s talking to another guy. Be the best she can get and you won’t have to worry about someone better coming along. As an example, girl #54 and I have been dating – non exclusively – for months now. At one point she had a serious orbiter who was fulfilling her daily whining needs. She still might, I don’t know. I loosely know the guy and he’s beta to the core. If she ever slept with him, I’d laugh it off and bounce, but I just don’t see it happening as we’re worlds apart. As a result, I don’t have to put up with perpetual bickering.
Step 2 is to let her know – through your actions – that you don’t want to hear it. You’re a man on a mission, you have more important matters to attend to. Do you think a king sits there while his mistress drones on? Rhetorical. For instance, I hate talking on the phone and I let her know. The only time I ever call or have a conversation is to make plans to see each other face to face. I’ll listen for a couple minutes and if I feel it’s dragging, I’ll tell her that I need to go and that I look forward to seeing her. Naturally she’s grilled me a few times on why I won’t talk to her on the phone, and I tell her exactly how I feel – I don’t like it, just like I don’t like excessive texting, that I’d rather see her in person, and that the time we have apart is important because it makes us miss each other. Boom.
You’ll still have some overflow, but if you follow these 2 steps you’ll be a lot happier in your relationship. On the other hand, there is a time when you need to be there.
Empathy – Serious Matters
That 1% is more critical to love than the other 99% combined. For women especially, opening up about a darker past is the only way to change and move forward. She needs someone to trust and confide in, and if you’re that man you’ll own a piece of her soul. Here’s how to recognize it and act accordingly:
- It rarely happens. You’ll hardly ever experience it and you should never ask about the past, but the day will come when you’ve built enough trust and she feels close enough – emotionally – to open up in hopes that’ll you accept everything about her up to now. Not only is it part of a healing process, but it’s necessary to build a stronger bond, if you want one that is.
- It rarely happens sober. At least in my experience, I’ve never had a girl tell me anything significant without putting a few back first. The past is often rough and the more relationships and disappointments we go through, the more protective layers we build. It takes a lot to get to the vulnerable center and you should feel good that she trusts you enough to open her heart – booze is just the final catalyst.
- You’ll know it’s coming when she gets ‘that look’. It’s difficult to explain, but once you’ve seen it you’ll know. She’ll get quiet, serious, lost in thought, and her eyes might get a little watery. You can either ignore her (bad) or ask what she’s thinking (good). The floodgates will open shortly after.
- Don’t be judgmental. Despite what conclusions you may draw, keep them to yourself. This is not the time to offer solutions or advice. Accept and be her rock. A common example of a serious talk is when a girl tells you she’s been raped. Attractive females go through this more than you think. Granted it’s rarely the ‘dark alley’ kind and in a lot of cases there was some poor decision making on her part, but the details are irrelevant – the point is she had a traumatic experience. A physically abusive father and/or ex is a close second. You’re going to feel uneasy and may not want to hear it, but suck it up this once. Let her get it out.
- If you feel ‘off’ days after the news, face your own demons. New of this sort stirs up very strong emotions in men. Some will be disgusted with her, some will want to beat the shit out of whoever hurt her, and others will feel ‘lost’ because they didn’t think their little angel could have experiences like this. The severity of these emotions usually stems from a lack of experience – once you’ve heard the same story a million times, you become desensitized. Furthermore, it’s in the past. You can’t change it. If knowing her darker truths makes you not want to be around her, then go and let someone else step up to the plate. Ultimately we’re all responsible for our own actions and it’s up to you to choose what is and isn’t acceptable to you. But often times you’ll notice how much closer, more loving, and more dependent on you she becomes as a result of your acceptance. We’re all fallible and we all want someone to love us despite our flaws.
- Go back to business as usual. Once it’s over, act as if nothing happened. You got the info, you both took a step forward, and it’s back to the good times. You are her rock. As a man, you provide the emotional stability she’s incapable of achieving on her own. Do it right and the times will keep getting better. This is relationship management 101.
I hope this clears up some of the confusion. Let me know in the comments if you want further explanation or if I missed anything.