So you managed to snag a cutie, commit, and have some semblance of a relationship. Somewhere along the way things started going south. The sex became a little duller each time, the frequency dropped, the arguments started, and you had an uneasy gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. Before you know it, it’s over and you’re left high and dry.
Dramatic, short lived relationships are more prevalent among the younger crowd – before the naivete is beaten out of you – but no one is immune to the heartache. Dealing with the aftermath is tough, but it’s also a great opportunity to grow. In fact, it’s one of the best times to make positive, life altering changes, to let go of bad habits and start building good ones. You have a chance based on real life experience to analyze what happened, look inside yourself, and come out a better, stronger, more driven person.
While this is primarily aimed at men, female readers can learn a few things as well. The obvious byproduct of a breakup is (a lot) more free time. Take some of this time and consider the following, in no particular order:
- It’s not the end of the world. Young men in particular seem to think life as they know it is over when a girl dumps them. It’s not, but it is a leading cause of suicides. Adolescent years are the most volatile – I know, I’ve cried my heart out over a girl as a teenager – so if you fit in this category, do yourself a favor and let time do its thing. This storm will pass and a few years later you’ll laugh at how silly the whole thing was. Parents – telling a teen to be ‘less dramatic’ is an exercise in futility. Support them by lending an ear only when they want to talk and above all, keep them safe. They’ll figure out the rest on their own.
- Everything ends. Not a morbid statement, just a fact. We’re all born alone, and we all die alone. Relationships can start and end for any reason at any time. Marriage, children, love – none of these are guarantees of a fulfilling existence. With experience, you’ll create your own philosophies and realize when a relationship has run its course. It may sting a little, but thank whoever you believe in for the good times and move on. Loss is a natural part of life.
- Reasons for the breakup are relevant. It’s important to take a step back and see what you did right/wrong, what she did right/wrong, what was good, bad, and ugly about your time together, at what point it started a steady decline (often caused by a recovering beta who was alpha enough during the initial seduction but reverted to his old ways), and what was the nail in the coffin. Why? So you can avoid as much of this as possible with the next girl.
- Reasons for the breakup are irrelevant. Contradictory to the above, the reasons for the breakup don’t change what happened. It’s over and it’s time to move on. Once you’ve gleaned what lessons there were, there’s no reason to dwell on it in hopes of extracting additional knowledge. There’s only so much you can take away before diminishing returns kick in, so start applying what you learned.
- Why do you want/need a relationship at this moment? During my late teens/early 20′s, I was a serial monogamist. I couldn’t stand being alone – I felt ‘incomplete’. This was a silly notion, but in retrospect it took quite a few relationships for me to realize that a woman will never make me happy. I have to make me happy. She can add to it, sure, but she can’t be the source. If she is, you have some serious work to do on yourself first. As long as you focus on becoming a high value man, there will be no shortage of women in your life.
- Was it really all that good? One of the insidious side effects of pair bonding is an unhealthy embellishment of the facts. She seems prettier than she is, the sex ‘more amazing’ that it is, major red flags are swept under the rug, and everything positive is blown out of proportion while the negative is conveniently ignored. But was it really that great and did you have anything/anyone to compare her to? Be honest with yourself.
- Did you enjoy getting used to each other? Complacency is the kiss of death for relationships, personal development, and any sort of self improvement, yet look at how many couples get ‘fat and happy’ together. Both stop exercising because there’s ‘no one to impress’ (I was guilty of this), men stop going out with their friends and slowly revert to a scarcity mindset, women start wearing sweats and forget what ‘getting ready’ means, mundane routines scheduled around her favorite TV shows take over, and there’s no mystery left. Even the bathroom door is left open.
Once you’ve digested that, here are some steps you can take to get over her:
- Realize it’s over and there’s no going back, ever. A breakup is a serious thing. It’s not a ‘big fight’, it’s the end. People typically get back together because they don’t have better options, are afraid to be on their own for a while, or due to some financial consideration. Women are pretty good at monkey branching, so it’s often the man who wants her back (or doesn’t want to let her go). It might be hard for a while, but the more you keep denying finality the longer you’ll be miserable. IT’S OVER.
- Be tough about no contact. First, there’s a good chance you’ll be highly tempted to call/text/schedule a platonic get together bitch session. Don’t. Find something else to do – anything – but be true to yourself about maintaining no contact. Delete her number, unfriend/block on Facebook, whatever you have to do. The longer you stay in touch, the worse it’ll be. You might (and this is rare) be cordial acquaintances years down the road and if that wishful thinking does the trick then great, but for now no contact = NO CONTACT. Second, after the breakup there’s a 99% chance she’ll have a WTF moment when she realizes you went cold turkey, so guess what she’ll do? That’s right, she’s going to contact you. Don’t answer. DO NOT ANSWER. You will only drag out the pain and she’s sadistic enough to put you through it. Women don’t fully realize the effect this has on heartbroken betas, so go tryhard mode and pretend she never called. Not answering will speed up the healing process. Answering will slow it down. Simple, right?
- There’s no reason for ‘closure’. To expound on the above, girls love to get ‘closure’. They want to walk away knowing – with 100% certainty – that they made the right decision by leaving you. That’s how her hamster works. Whatever your transgressions may have been, don’t give her this victory. Leave with your head held high regardless of how shitty you feel. NO talking about feelings, NO talking about still being friends, NO talking at all. If she dumped you despite your goodwill, this is your revenge part 1 (part 2 is becoming a better man than she ever dated). You already got closure – the breakup.
- Give it time. Once it happens, you’ll want to get over it right away – or as quickly as possible. I have some bad news. Depending on the length, severity, and other factors, the process of letting go can take quite a while. Some people who have been exclusive for decades never recover from their loss. Hopefully it’s only been a few months or a couple years for you or you’re so fed up that you can’t wait to say good riddance. My last 1.5 year LTR took a few months of pouting, several rebound fucks, and a couple casual relationships to get over. In other words, it’s gonna be a minute. There are plenty of things you can do in the interim to accelerate this change, but past a certain point it really is a matter of time.
- Think about what you missed out on during the relationship. It’s important to think positive. You’re alive. There are tons of women (most likely hotter) out there for the taking. You can now do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. Think about everything you gave up during the relationship. I’m not just talking about sex with other women, but time with friends, your hobbies, maybe your dreams, and likely a part of your identity. Now go get it back and never let another relationship put you in the same position.
- Lift/run/get your body right. Raise your hand if you and/or your girlfriend porked out a few months after ‘the talk’. It’s a common occurrence but there’s nothing good about it. Fitness is a lifestyle. You do have someone to impress and guess what – it’s not your girlfriend. Furthermore, if you’re in shape and she was too but now got fat, that’s reason enough to bounce if she didn’t take multiple hints. It’s the second worst form of disrespect toward a man (next to cuckolding). Get back in the gym, get your body right, commit to keeping it right, and expect nothing less from women you date in the future. Training is therapeutic on many levels. It’s incredible for anger/sadness management. It gets your mind off her for a while. You’ll feel an order of magnitude better – even if temporarily – after a good night with the iron, and if you’re constantly depressed it’ll work wonders to help you snap out of it.
- Work more/get a second job. You need to keep your mind occupied as it’s going to be your worst enemy for a while. It’s easy to mope around with all this ‘free’ time you now have. First bonus: you’ll make more money to help generate wealth faster. While I don’t advocate working for work’s sake, this is an exception. Get a job where you interact with attractive women if possible. Second bonus: even if you’re in the dumps, having hot chicks in your vicinity is proven to make you feel better. Biology is a beautiful thing.
- Force yourself to be social. This is a tough one. The most common response to a breakup – particularly one you didn’t want – is to retreat from society and turn to mindless entertainment. While this will help pass the time, it’ll hurt you in the long run. Force yourself to be social. This doesn’t mean hitting the bar every night, but reconnect with some friends, go to events, pick up hobbies you dropped (or try new ones), basically anything that puts you in a group with other people. You don’t have to do this often – once or twice a week is sufficient to keep you from obsessing over your predicament. Who knows, you might meet a hottie and forget all about your ex.
- Force yourself to talk to cute girls. Part of getting the second job (or putting in extra shifts) and becoming more social – aside from staying productive – is to desensitize yourself to your ex via introduction to multiple attractive women. Regardless of our status, men see a hot piece of ass and want it. All of us. So by surrounding yourself with hot pieces of ass, your special snowflake ex won’t seem so special anymore. Also, because it’s a numbers game, talking to enough cute girls is likely to lead to:
- Get a rebound (or several). What’s better than pussy? New pussy. The quickest way to get over your ex is to bang it out with one or more girls who are prettier. This may not always be possible so don’t worry if your one night stands are a point or two lower – just don’t dumpster dive. Better yet, it’s a special type of revenge. It happened to me once. I got over one of my ex’s quick and one day she showed up – unannounced – to ‘grab something she forgot’ only to find my (significantly hotter) rebound in a bikini on my couch (we just got back from the pool). She didn’t say much there, but I could see the disdain in her eyes. Shortly after she nearly kicked down my door in the middle of the night because my quick turnaround pissed her off something awful. It was sweeter than any ‘fuck you’ I could have said.
- Stay away from drugs. Don’t drown your sorrows in alcohol or other substances. Have a few drinks, sure, but if you waste your newfound single time becoming a worse person, she won. I’ve given you plenty of things to stay occupied and come out ahead, so this is a no-brainer.
- Enjoy the single life for a while (or for a long time). The best realization – for me anyway – came after my last serious relationship ended almost 5 years ago. I decided to remain single (non-exclusive) while becoming a high value man. I do want another serious relationship, but not until I’m ready for children. Until then it’s dating, dating, and more dating. As a result, I’ve 1) gotten laid with way more, hotter women than I thought possible at the time, 2) was able to slowly but surely invest most of the money I would have spent on useless crap, which is speeding up my early ‘semi-retirement’, 3) made fitness a lifestyle – forever, and 4) become a lot tougher on myself and the women I date in terms of what I’ll put up with. Sure I’ve lost some ‘good ones’ along the way, but there will be plenty more around the corner. So take the time and think if you really need, or even want a relationship right now. Think of the possibilities of staying single for a while (especially through your 20′s) and you may have a revelation.
Make a commitment to yourself to become a certain type of man no matter what. This is called building your life how you want. It’s a slow, methodical process and you’re responsible for all of it. If she left you, make her regret it (she will) by becoming a better man she’ll ever be with. You don’t need to tell or show – don’t worry she’ll find out anyway. However, by the time it happens you’ll be over her, have much more attractive and compatible women vying for your attention, and kick yourself a little for not letting go sooner.