This marks the start of a series about relationship management and how to stay alpha within the context of one. It’s extremely common for men in the beta recovery stage – the ones who have almost internalized the alpha mindset and behavior concepts – to regress once they get a girlfriend. ‘He’s not the man I fell in love with’ is a typical breakup reason.
A constructive, loving relationship is a different animal from seduction and requires a healthy dose of beta fuel to flourish, but it’s still built on an unwavering alpha precedent.
So – you got the bang, liked it, continued sexing her up, started dating, and feelings surfaced. If you did it right, she was the one who fell for you and yearned for commitment. This is a critical point to consider – relationships are a woman’s prerogative. Sexual, emotional, and provisional exclusivity is the female imperative.
It is your gift to her. Always remember this and you’ll set the proper frame for your relationship. You should never be the first to say ‘I love you’ or ‘let’s be monogamous’ unless you’re looking for a guarantee of failure. Maybe not in the next month, or year, or even decade, but a wrong start will always lead to an undesirable end.
Biologically you’re giving up your sexual mating strategy in favor of hers, so she better be worth it. And I get it, the majority of betas (and younger men in general) will jump at the chance for a committed relationship, but they do it for the wrong reason – the assumption that becoming official will somehow curb female hypergamic nature. Time and time again they’re proven wrong when she cheats shortly after – or worse yet, years down the road.
So first and foremost, it has to come from her. Even then, you’re not required to accept the initial request. When a woman tells you she loves you, if you don’t quite feel the same way you don’t have to lie. If she questions you about it, tell her it takes longer for you to develop those feelings. She wants to win your heart – don’t give your most prized possession freely.
At the same time, don’t drag your feet. If you’re just riding the sex train until she leaves (usually a 2-4 month cycle) that’s one thing, but if she’s made it known – multiple times – that she wants to be more and you feel the same way, take the plunge. But before you do, ask yourself – what’s your long term goal?
The Goal – A Serious Matter
Love is no joke. It can inspire and make you feel like you’re on top of the world, or it can lead to suicide and everything in-between. Don’t take matters of the heart lightly. Before you grant access, determine a long term goal for your relationship. To each his own, but based on my 3 life philosophies, I’m not one to cheat. I’m all or nothing and if I make a decision, I commit to it fully. Therefore it’s imperative to plan for a certain outcome.
If you want companionship and consistent sex while you focus on your life mission, that’s fine, but realize that if there’s not at least potential for something more, the breakup will be painful. And then you’ll have to come back here for guidance on getting over your ex. Is it worth it to you? It may or may not be, but asking yourself these questions is of the utmost importance.
Personally, I see no reason for a monogamous relationship if children aren’t on the radar. Not immediately mind you, but if you can’t see yourself having kids with her down the road, the whole thing is a lie. Unless you don’t want children, then it’s a different story. It is for this reason that I advise most men in their 20’s to avoid serious relationships. Your SMV is still low, maturity (based on experience) is lacking, you’re not at a life stage where you seriously consider offspring, and if you’re like most people, you have no idea what you want to do.
If you’re not on a mission, she’s only going to complicate the self discovery process. Figure that out first.
Finally, be absolutely sure that she fulfills all of your relationship requirements. Is she smoking hot? Does she take care of herself? Will she continue to do so? What does her mother look like? Is she gentle, nurturing, feminine? Is she a little needy (not a bad thing)? Does she have any seriously destructive behaviors? Is she protective of your bond, i.e. does she covertly fight off female competition? Is she making positive changes in her life? Does she strive to become better for you?
Don’t proceed until all your questions are answered. This can take weeks, months, or years and it’s not something you ask – her character is manifest in action.
In summary, the first part to being alpha in a relationship is:
- Let her come to you. She wants to win you over – constantly. Relationships, kids, marriage – none of these will satisfy her insatiable desire to beat out the competition. This is what ‘being the prize’ means.
- Do it for the right reasons. If you don’t see a future potential for children, it’s a faulty premise. Unless you either don’t want kids or accept the eventual heartache of a breakup, there’s no point.
- Make sure she’s girlfriend material. The ideal woman doesn’t exist. Everyone is damaged and everyone has baggage, but if she checks off the big items and strives to be the best for you, give her a chance to prove it.