In the last installment I talked about beginning the relationship the right way – her coming to you. Today we’re going to look at quite possibly the most destructive habit men tend to acquire – attempting to control her actions and coerce ‘love’. Its opposite – letting her make her own decisions – is one of the sexiest things you can do, a major DHV (Display of Higher Value), and an opportunity to constantly gauge her attraction for you.
Control Vs. Leading
First, it’s important to understand the difference between leading a relationship and being controlling. One is accepted, desired, and creates a positive net balance. The other is despised, usually blown out of proportion, and leads to rebellion.
Leading is a natural male state. In matters great and small, we default to making decisions. Everyday leading in a relationship is manifest in actions such as:
- Tell her what you do/don’t like as she’s trying on different outfits. Be honest – she’s picking out what you find attractive, so tell her. I tell my current girlfriend ‘I like your boobs in that’ or ‘your ass doesn’t look right in those’. In the right context, objectification is sexy.
- Have a plan when she asks what you want to do. If she really doesn’t like it, she’ll counter-offer. If she proposes something and you’re cool with it, accept. If she presents options, pick the one you want. Likewise you can present a couple yourself and make a ‘joint’ decision.
- Take care of business in social settings. If your food isn’t prepared right, it’s your job to speak up. If something goes awry and maybe you didn’t notice but she did and is complaining, listen and decide if it’s warranted. If so, handle it. She’ll complain about things that matter (and those that don’t), but she’ll rarely act because it’s not in her nature. She’s looking to you to make the moves.
- End events first. If you’re talking on the phone, tell her you need to go do ___ and that you look forward to seeing her later. Don’t wait for it to die down. If you’re out eating/drinking/whatever, ask her ‘ready to go?’ as a courtesy and get up first. Unless she has a higher priority time commitment (work, school, etc.), she’ll almost always wait for you to end an event.
Broader, long term leading in a relationship is manifest in actions such as:
- Set up an environment conducive to health and fitness. If you get too comfortable, stop training, start pigging out and putting on pounds, what do you think she’s going to do? The same thing. Keep relatively healthy food around, go to the gym together, compliment her when she’s lost some weight, and tell her you’re proud of her staying in shape. She needs to hear it. You can also strategically mention how important looks are, particularly if you’re questioned. I’ve had girls ask me ‘would you break up with me if I got fat’ to which I replied ‘absolutely, looks are the most important thing for a man, you know this’. If she comes back with ‘but what about true love’, say ‘all love is conditional’ (it is) and explain if necessary.
- Live where you want. As long as you’re following your mission and that mission is productive and somehow beneficial to her, she’ll gladly lend her feminine support. If you need to relocate for work, the money makes sense, and she’s taken care of, she’ll leave everything behind and follow. Even the most independent woman will submit to a man’s life purpose despite her career aspirations. You can spit equality all you want, but feminine women yearn to follow masculine men.
Control is ‘forced leading’ and is usually a product of low confidence. Some examples are:
- Not allowing her to talk to ___. Telling her she can’t talk to some guy/girl is a good way to make her do exactly that. First, if there’s a good enough reason why she shouldn’t be around someone due to strain it could put on the relationship, she should be aware of it if she cares about you. If she needs a hint, explain and watch what happens. If she’s still in contact with an ex, chances are she’s not over him and you shouldn’t be together – period.
- Prohibiting her from doing ___. Similar to the above, telling her she can’t go somewhere without any explanation is likely to cause rebellion. If it’s really a sticky situation, she shouldn’t be doing it in the first place and you need to reevaluate your degree of commitment. Women weren’t born yesterday – they know what’s (un)acceptable in a relationship.
- Blowing situations out of proportion. If you’re out a bar and some guy swoops in and buys her a drink while you’re taking a leak, there’s no reason to go in guns blazing. She’s with you after all. Thank him for buying – that’s less money out of your pocket. If someone says something offensive (calls her a name, etc.) stick up for her, but there’s no need to physically escalate yet. Most situations get blown out of proportion due to misinformation and subsequent assumptions.
- Choosing her friends for her. When two people fall in love they will – to an extent – cut contact with certain acquaintances. It could be a former friend with benefits, a friend who always had a crush on you, or any likely competition. You’ll notice women doing this a lot – they’ll Facebook stalk you, ask how you know so and so, talk shit about them, and keep nagging until you explain. Sometimes it’s warranted, sometimes it’s not – that’s up to you to decide. However, telling her she can’t be friends with someone signals insecurity. If it’s an ex who’s hanging around, see #1 above – you may not want to be with her to begin with. If it’s someone who’s a bad influence, she should pick up on it and distance herself without your intervention. Worst case you can explain why you think that person is no good.
- Preventing her from socializing. Women are more social by nature. They need constant human contact, variety, and validation. Telling her she can’t go out is guaranteed to backfire. Women in love will mate guard just as hard and keep you around whenever possible, so you’re likely to be out together a lot. If you’re exclusive and she’s having regular GNO’s (Girls’ Nights Out), there’s a good chance your relationship isn’t as serious as you think it is. Not that there’s anything wrong with partying, but if she prefers going out without you the writing is on the wall, so keep it casual.
Why Men Control
This is a complex topic, but there are two main reasons why men attempt to control women in relationships.
- Mate guarding. This is perfectly natural but often misguided. The best form of mate guarding is passive – you calibrate the relationship based on her actions. If she goes out with her friends, doesn’t invite you, and you get jealous – do the same in return. If she cares about you equally (she should care about you more), she’ll take the hint. Unfortunately, most men lack this finesse and opt for the brute force approach – by prohibiting certain actions – which achieves the exact opposite of what’s intended.
- Low confidence. Everything boils down to relative sexual market value. If you truly believe she’s worth more, it’s going to show. The majority of controlling actions are based on jealousy and a constant feeling of inadequacy in relation to her and prospective interlopers. On the other hand, if you know she won’t do any better (you are constantly improving yourself, aren’t you?), this too will show.
Control Is Ultimately Impossible
If you’ve read my 3 core philosophies, you know that people will do what they want anyway. If a woman wants to fuck someone, she’ll find a way. Day, night, home, work, behind a tree, it doesn’t matter. The more you attempt to control a person, the more they’ll naturally rebel. Sometimes women will do things they never intended in the first place just because you told them not to, out of spite. Read this again:
You can’t control another person (for long).
It may start small, but if you do the resentment will build over time and eventually go supernova culminating in cheating, cuckolding, a breakup with no explanation, or even worse – a spiteful, sexless, constantly agitating ‘relationship’.
No Control As DHV
You may be asking, ‘so how do I keep her in line?’ By being the alpha in her life. If you know your worth and display it covertly – and regularly – she won’t dare do anything to compromise your relationship. It may be hard to wrap your head around at first, but this passive mutual respect is the backbone of love.
Particularly if she’s dated controlling men in her past (almost a given if she’s attractive), you’ll be a breath of fresh air she can’t get enough of. She’ll be left wondering why you don’t get jealous, what you’re thinking, and if she’s doing anything wrong. As a result, she’ll constantly turn to you for validation. In addition, it’ll keep her on her toes, knowing that she can mess up because she’s not quite sure what sets you off.
No Control As An Attraction Meter
Ultimately, not controlling your significant other is the only true attraction meter. Women past their teens/early 20′s have acquired enough experience to know which behaviors are constructive and destructive in a relationship. On top of that, a large portion of this is biologically hardwired from birth and thus any woman claiming she ‘didn’t know any better’ is blowing smoke up your ass.
Who she talks to, goes out with, and how she handles situations will tell you everything you need to know about your role and degree of importance in her life. If she tells you that an ex tried to contact her and she ignored him, it’s a good thing – she trusts you enough to let you know the small things which could strain your relationship and how she’s handling it. If you’re out and some guy starts talking to her, sit back for a few seconds and observe. If she immediately introduces you as her boyfriend, all is well. If she ignores you, red flag.
Pay attention and as these bits come in, calibrate your relationship accordingly. Talk about it, but don’t pressure. If her approach to life is at odds with yours, leave. It really is that simple.
Don’t confuse this with not caring, but rather observation and action. Never forget your boundaries. If something unacceptable happens, punish swiftly, but make sure it’s warranted. If your girlfriend is clearly flirting with another guy in front of you – for whatever reason – you have every right to bounce. If she’s having a normal conversation with another male in a group setting, there’s no reason to get upset.
Relationships are built on a strong foundation, and like a pyramid this foundation takes the longest to construct. Particularly in the early stages, there will be lots of calibration between both people as you figure out what makes the other tick. By all means give the benefit of the doubt and communicate, but never be afraid to leave if your integrity is compromised. Build this foundation correctly and you won’t have the problems listed above in the first place.