A constructive, loving relationship is a different animal from seduction and requires a healthy dose of beta fuel to flourish, but it’s still built on an unwavering alpha precedent.

So – you got the bang, liked it, continued sexing her up, started dating, and feelings surfaced. If you did it right, she was the one who fell for you and yearned for commitment. This is a critical point to consider – relationships are a woman’s prerogative. Sexual, emotional, and provisional exclusivity is the female imperative.

It is your gift to her. Always remember this and you’ll set the proper frame for your relationship. You should never be the first to say ‘I love you’ or ‘let’s be monogamous’ unless you’re looking for a guarantee of failure. Maybe not in the next month, or year, or even decade, but a wrong start will always lead to an undesirable end.

Biologically you’re giving up your sexual mating strategy in favor of hers, so she better be worth it. And I get it, the majority of betas (and younger men in general) will jump at the chance for a committed relationship, but they do it for the wrong reason – the assumption that becoming official will somehow curb female hypergamic nature. Time and time again they’re proven wrong when she cheats shortly after – or worse yet, years down the road.

So first and foremost, it has to come from her. Even then, you’re not required to accept the initial request. When a woman tells you she loves you, if you don’t quite feel the same way you don’t have to lie. If she questions you about it, tell her it takes longer for you to develop those feelings. She wants to win your heart – don’t give your most prized possession freely.

At the same time, don’t drag your feet. If you’re just riding the sex train until she leaves (usually a 2-4 month cycle) that’s one thing, but if she’s made it known – multiple times – that she wants to be more and you feel the same way, take the plunge. But before you do, ask yourself – what’s your long term goal?

The Goal – A Serious Matter

Love is no joke. It can inspire and make you feel like you’re on top of the world, or it can lead to suicide and everything in-between. Don’t take matters of the heart lightly. Before you grant access, determine a long term goal for your relationship. To each his own, but based on my 3 life philosophies, I’m not one to cheat. I’m all or nothing and if I make a decision, I commit to it fully. Therefore it’s imperative to plan for a certain outcome.

If you want companionship and consistent sex while you focus on your life mission, that’s fine, but realize that if there’s not at least potential for something more, the breakup will be painful. And then you’ll have to come back here for guidance on getting over your ex. Is it worth it to you? It may or may not be, but asking yourself these questions is of the utmost importance.

Personally, I see no reason for a monogamous relationship if children aren’t on the radar. Not immediately mind you, but if you can’t see yourself having kids with her down the road, the whole thing is a lie. Unless you don’t want children, then it’s a different story. It is for this reason that I advise most men in their 20’s to avoid serious relationships. Your SMV is still low, maturity (based on experience) is lacking, you’re not at a life stage where you seriously consider offspring, and if you’re like most people, you have no idea what you want to do.

If you’re not on a mission, she’s only going to complicate the self discovery process. Figure that out first.

Finally, be absolutely sure that she fulfills all of your relationship requirements. Is she smoking hot? Does she take care of herself? Will she continue to do so? What does her mother look like? Is she gentle, nurturing, feminine? Is she a little needy (not a bad thing)? Does she have any seriously destructive behaviors? Is she protective of your bond, i.e. does she covertly fight off female competition? Is she making positive changes in her life? Does she strive to become better for you?

Don’t proceed until all your questions are answered. This can take weeks, months, or years and it’s not something you ask – her character is manifest in action.

In summary, the first part to being alpha in a relationship is:

1. Let her come to you. She wants to win you over – constantly. Relationships, kids, marriage – none of these will satisfy her insatiable desire to beat out the competition. This is what ‘being the prize’ means.
2. Do it for the right reasons. If you don’t see a future potential for children, it’s a faulty premise. Unless you either don’t want kids or accept the eventual heartache of a breakup, there’s no point.
3. Make sure she’s girlfriend material. The ideal woman doesn’t exist. Everyone is damaged and everyone has baggage, but if she checks off the big items and strives to be the best for you, give her a chance to prove it.

In contrast, men are poorly equipped to handle emotional highs and lows. We’re naturally more stable and prefer to rely on logic (or so we think) instead. Our hamster is there too – he just spins slower. But logic is not a virtue – it’s just our pragmatic survival method. From a purely biological standpoint, whoever secures the best and the most for DNA propagation wins, logic or rationalizations be damned.

So when men experience a high emotional deviation from the norm (99% of the time it’s a valley, not a peak), we often act in ways that don’t have the best outcomes. Unfortunately, unlike women our low points take longer to get over and that can cause an entire day/week/month/year (?) to elapse prior to getting back to business as usual.

It’s not good for anyone. The first step, then, is to force yourself, yes force, to not react immediately to everything. Even a few minutes can make the difference between a complete misunderstanding of a situation and proper handling. Take a deep breath and think about it. Walk away if you have to. Do something else for awhile and let your brain process.

The second step is to literally sleep on it. For anything significant, you can still maintain the initiative by giving it a little time. In the heat of the moment, a woman can drive you insane with something she says or does. Sometimes it’s her just being a woman and nothing to worry about, other times action is required. If she crosses the line and a few hours won’t change the situation – wait. Ignore her for the duration if you have to.

Once you’ve slept on it and your nerves have calmed, you can make a more rational decision. Let’s use a worst-case scenario: you found out she cheated on you. The initial reaction would be going off on her and/or trying to start something with her interloper. A delayed – and much more beneficial – reaction would be to calmly tell her it’s over, gather anything of yours she has, cut off all contact, and never see or talk to her again. The first will only cause more heartache, drama, and drag out the inevitable. The latter will let you move on as quickly and efficiently as possible.

This is an extreme example, but similar run-ins, disagreements, and general bickering can be better handled if you just take a step back. You might say something to piss her off and instead of backtracking or apologizing right away – wait. It may be so insignificant that it’s all but forgotten the next day, especially if alcohol is involved.

It takes training and a large dose of restraint, but it will serve you well.

If you’ve been dating a girl for a while – typically around the 2-4 month mark – she’s going to push for commitment of sorts. The difference in your sexual market value will dictate how soon you have ‘the talk’ and how likely she is to stick around should you deflect the question, but sooner or later it’s coming. If you decide to take the next step and commit to her emotionally (not to be confused with exclusivity quite yet), you’re going to have to change things up a little.

I’ll be writing a series on ‘how to stay alpha in a relationship’ – which is something the overwhelming majority of men struggle with – but for now let’s examine a core concept. Although the intricacies of longer running relationships are several orders of magnitude more complex than initial seduction, the basic principles are the same. And the most basic principle of all is a question that requires an honest answer:

Is your relationship constructive or destructive?

Ultimately, nothing else matters. When you’re casually dating and are emotionally detached, her drama and daily shenanigans don’t register, but once you open your heart just a little the small things start becoming more important. With this extra time commitment and emotional responsibility, you have to ask yourself if it’s heading in the right direction. What is the right direction?

Your mission – not your woman – is your mission. In a constructive relationship, she will support your mission through her feminine strengths and you will support her through your masculine strengths.

Your mission is what you want out of life. If you seriously want to make millions, your relationship is constructive if she’s there through the long hours, the uncertainty inherent to risk, and most importantly through the trials. Far too many women come when the going is good and leave when times get tough – the one who sticks by you is a rarity. If you want to raise a family, your relationship is constructive if she’s nurturing and understands the attention competition between parents and children (and balances the two). You get the idea.

If you’re a woman, your relationship is constructive if your man is there for you and supports you with his strengths – emotional stability, rationale, protection, and provision if necessary.

Together, the relationship is constructive if the give/take balance only tips slightly.

I’m purposely avoiding details because they vary by context. What defines a constructive relationship between a 30′s cohabiting low income couple with kids in the inner city will be different from a childless early 20′s couple living in a posh neighborhood.

A destructive relationship is everything else – it doesn’t have to be dramatic.

Assuming you’re focused on your mission, is your relationship helping you achieve it in some way? If it’s not, you don’t need to be in one – not with her, and maybe not with anyone. You only get one life and you literally can’t afford to waste any of it on people who slow you down. If you’re happier and more driven with her by your side – stay. If the opposite is true – leave.

Your mission, first and foremost, is to find your drive. Think long and hard about everything and everyone who made you feel shitty, not good enough, and made you question your worth as a person. Then go prove them wrong. Since we tend to learn best from examples, I’ll give you my story.

Never Fitting In

I came to the states from Eastern Europe as a boy fresh out of grade school. We arrived with $100 (I’m not exaggerating) and my parents worked their asses off. We didn’t have a microwave or a dishwasher or a car. We hiked a mile to the grocery store a few times a week, which isn’t far but when you’re a little kid trying to haul bags of milk, it’s quite a workout. We lived in a dingy high rise with fire alarms tripping every other night and elevators that refused to work.

I didn’t know English so I was held back a few grades and shoved in a ‘language’ class with other foreigners. Think Tower Of Babel meets Lord Of The Flies. Our ‘teacher’ was some Jamaican lady who barely knew the language herself. In essence, we were lawfully distanced from students and teachers who taught ‘normal’ school. I had to learn English on my own, but I’m not mad – I spent a couple years watching Batman, Spiderman, and X-Men cartoons.

I was then transferred back with the rest of the students, bumped up a few grades to match my skill set, and quickly discovered that I was one of two white kids in the entire school. As you can guess, I never fit in as a result. I was bullied every day, got into fights (more like attempts at self defense) regularly, and even the teachers made fun of me. I pressed on.

When I got to high school, things started looking up – a little. There was still some bullying, but it was diverse enough that I was at least able to locate a few ‘losers’ like myself (at the time) to eat lunch with. The school required an entrance exam and I was one of a handful from my previous tenure to pass the test (it wasn’t hard, but I was surrounded by hood rats), so once again I didn’t have a clique.

I still had no sense of style, I just started liking girls, and I was going through that awkward stage with nappy hair, braces, entirely too skinny, and clothes that clearly didn’t match the times. High school can be brutal and I got to ‘enjoy’ every minute of it. I escaped to video games to not think about it. As is quite common of teenagers, at one point I entertained thoughts of suicide. It’s a dangerous age.

Then something changed.

Between junior and senior year I said fuck it. I picked up my first dumbbells and never looked back. I began to care about my appearance, my presentation, and my social skills. I got my first girlfriend a few months later after picking up sports. It was a complete disaster, but at least I got a taste. I also got my first job, started my first business, and for the first time felt ok about life.

College was several years of making myself un-awkward. I was still pretty weird, but I began to solidify several good habits, cut back on video games, all but quit watching television, and got laid enough to keep plugging. It wasn’t until after graduation and getting out into the ‘real world’ that I sensed the power within.

I proceeded to devour books like an English major, tried multiple styles to discover what worked, and began to make up for lost time, but I still had 15 years of resentment to deal with. Since then I’ve worked in multiple fields, started multiple businesses, follow a very rigid financial plan to freedom, and have become marketable enough to not worry about paying the bills.

And that brings us to now. My drive is to prove the world wrong, to show it – to show myself – that I am good enough for what I want, that I’m better than all those people who put me down, that they were all horribly wrong, and that I can achieve – within reason – whatever I put my mind to. I use it to work harder, to pound the weights, to set aggressive deadlines, and to go about every day and every interaction with an unshakable sense of self respect.

What’s Your Drive?

You don’t have to be a social reject with a decade of contempt under your belt to hustle, but it helps. Adversity builds character and gives you the fortitude (with a sprinkle of coldness) to go after what you want, because you’ve realized through experience that:

1. Nothing in this world will ever be given to you. You have to take it by any means necessary.
2. You have to love, respect, and have mastery over yourself before you can love, respect, and have mastery over anyone else.
3. You may never fully ‘get over’ some things and that’s ok. Your goal is use those feelings, those inner issues, as fuel for the fire.
4. We all have choices to make. Do what you want, do what you believe in, and you’ll attract people who want a part of it and repel those who don’t. You’re not here to please everyone.
5. It’s important to leave a legacy. Whatever higher power may exist, one day you will die. What will you leave behind? Children? And will you do something significant, something that helps others, to go to your deathbed knowing that there was a reason for your existence?

Emotional Tampon – Trivialities

99% of what a woman says will be trivial. Your job is to recognize the important 1%. Within a committed relationship, it’s extremely common for the girl to yap about her day and how this bitch gave her a dirty look and that bitch said something mean and how her butt looks big. The dutiful boyfriend who sits there and nods while hating his life is now an emotional tampon. And this term isn’t reserved for beta male orbiters – a husband, a boyfriend, a friend with benefits can all suffer the same fate. In his mind, it’s the price he pays for continued access to her vagina.

To her, she’s slowly losing attraction. If you’re always there, always ready to listen to what is clearly verbal vomit without any prior mental processing, you’ll get what you deserve. Now, when a girl you’re seeing starts telling you about her day, telling her to shut the fuck up isn’t going to do you any good. There’s a better way.

Closely resembling the ‘alpha fucks, beta bucks’ sexual/provisional selection strategy, I believe women ‘build a boyfriend’. There are always multiple men in her life. Some (usually one at a time) she uses for sex, some she uses for fixing stuff, some she uses for venting, and some she keeps around for a rainy day just so she can feel wanted.

Your goal, then, is to get the best and leave the rest.

You want to be the guy she bangs and occasionally confides in and the rest will work itself out, so it’ll actually benefit you if she has male orbiters to soak up her banalities. You’re ‘that guy’ – the alpha she fucks while he’s the beta she complains to about you. Naturally you’re assuming the risk that the stars will align and one day she’ll ‘see his good intentions and fall into his dutifully loving arms’, but this risk is greatly exaggerated. If you’re on top of your world, she won’t dare because she’ll know you’ll leave without blinking.

Step 1 is to give her space and not be jealous when she’s talking to another guy. Be the best she can get and you won’t have to worry about someone better coming along. As an example, girl #54 and I have been dating – non exclusively – for months now. At one point she had a serious orbiter who was fulfilling her daily whining needs. She still might, I don’t know. I loosely know the guy and he’s beta to the core. If she ever slept with him, I’d laugh it off and bounce, but I just don’t see it happening as we’re worlds apart. As a result, I don’t have to put up with perpetual bickering.

Step 2 is to let her know – through your actions – that you don’t want to hear it. You’re a man on a mission, you have more important matters to attend to. Do you think a king sits there while his mistress drones on? Rhetorical. For instance, I hate talking on the phone and I let her know. The only time I ever call or have a conversation is to make plans to see each other face to face. I’ll listen for a couple minutes and if I feel it’s dragging, I’ll tell her that I need to go and that I look forward to seeing her. Naturally she’s grilled me a few times on why I won’t talk to her on the phone, and I tell her exactly how I feel – I don’t like it, just like I don’t like excessive texting, that I’d rather see her in person, and that the time we have apart is important because it makes us miss each other. Boom.

You’ll still have some overflow, but if you follow these 2 steps you’ll be a lot happier in your relationship. On the other hand, there is a time when you need to be there.

Empathy – Serious Matters

That 1% is more critical to love than the other 99% combined. For women especially, opening up about a darker past is the only way to change and move forward. She needs someone to trust and confide in, and if you’re that man you’ll own a piece of her soul. Here’s how to recognize it and act accordingly:

1. It rarely happens. You’ll hardly ever experience it and you should never ask about the past, but the day will come when you’ve built enough trust and she feels close enough – emotionally – to open up in hopes that’ll you accept everything about her up to now. Not only is it part of a healing process, but it’s necessary to build a stronger bond, if you want one that is.
2. It rarely happens sober. At least in my experience, I’ve never had a girl tell me anything significant without putting a few back first. The past is often rough and the more relationships and disappointments we go through, the more protective layers we build. It takes a lot to get to the vulnerable center and you should feel good that she trusts you enough to open her heart – booze is just the final catalyst.
3. You’ll know it’s coming when she gets ‘that look’. It’s difficult to explain, but once you’ve seen it you’ll know. She’ll get quiet, serious, lost in thought, and her eyes might get a little watery. You can either ignore her (bad) or ask what she’s thinking (good). The floodgates will open shortly after.
4. Don’t be judgmental. Despite what conclusions you may draw, keep them to yourself. This is not the time to offer solutions or advice. Accept and be her rock. A common example of a serious talk is when a girl tells you she’s been raped. Attractive females go through this more than you think. Granted it’s rarely the ‘dark alley’ kind and in a lot of cases there was some poor decision making on her part, but the details are irrelevant – the point is she had a traumatic experience. A physically abusive father and/or ex is a close second. You’re going to feel uneasy and may not want to hear it, but suck it up this once. Let her get it out.
5. If you feel ‘off’ days after the news, face your own demons. New of this sort stirs up very strong emotions in men. Some will be disgusted with her, some will want to beat the shit out of whoever hurt her, and others will feel ‘lost’ because they didn’t think their little angel could have experiences like this. The severity of these emotions usually stems from a lack of experience – once you’ve heard the same story a million times, you become desensitized. Furthermore, it’s in the past. You can’t change it. If knowing her darker truths makes you not want to be around her, then go and let someone else step up to the plate. Ultimately we’re all responsible for our own actions and it’s up to you to choose what is and isn’t acceptable to you. But often times you’ll notice how much closer, more loving, and more dependent on you she becomes as a result of your acceptance. We’re all fallible and we all want someone to love us despite our flaws.
6. Go back to business as usual. Once it’s over, act as if nothing happened. You got the info, you both took a step forward, and it’s back to the good times. You are her rock. As a man, you provide the emotional stability she’s incapable of achieving on her own. Do it right and the times will keep getting better. This is relationship management 101.

I hope this clears up some of the confusion. Let me know in the comments if you want further explanation or if I missed anything.